I will say, I was definitely in the wrong to respond to someone I didn’t personally know. Somehow I thought her 105K followers gave her credibility. 

I was gravely mistaken. 

I opened the direct message. 

She had sent me a message complimenting me. This wasn’t new to me because I often get messages with compliments about my appearance from friends — we are teenagers. However, the stark difference was that I didn’t know this person at all. (I came to learn that these types of messages can go under the category of grooming). After complimenting me, she asked whether I had ever considered modeling for a hijab and abaya company. 

I replied, saying that if I had more details I’d consult with my parents and give her an answer the next morning; to which she responded demanding she must have an answer the same night as she had other offers to make. 

I then went to ask my mother. Mama was sick with the flu, quite woozy, but despite her state she said,

“this sounds like a scam to me…”.

I decided to play along with it and test her. 

I told @samahnation to tell me more and how I could verify her and her company. She then sent me numerous copied and pasted answers —hecka long— about how I could trust her; how the company would pay me and how they will still make money in the meantime. 

Thankfully, I was apprehensive during the entire ordeal, but as you can see, this type of manipulation is so real and possible for young women and girls to fall prey. This experience was honestly quite scary and jarring for me. I was so easily distracted by what she was portraying herself as on her profile. She had a GoFundMe for a masjid in her bio and posts of photos depicting her love for her baby.

I began to do some research. I stumbled upon an article about a ‘Hijab House’ model scam. Using the title of ‘consultant director’ for a well-known hijab company, Hijab House, predators were allegedly preying on young girls in Australia. Hijab House has denied any link to this scam. 

The predator went as far as to blackmail and pressure their victims into sending nude photos, or doing crazy things like smelling shoes! Eerily enough, @samahnation’s Instagram bio stated that she was based in Melbourne, Australia.

The more I engaged with this predator, the more ludicrous their responses and questions got. And this happened within the span of 24 hours. 

She went as far as to ask me if I would answer questions for a survey, saying all that mattered was honesty and that the purpose of the survey was to make me uncomfortable to see if I “won’t fall under pressure.”

Clearly, this last statement about being a speech analysis specialist was a complete fabrication. Again, may I reiterate that even older people can fall prey. You don’t have to be young and impressionable, these manipulative perpetrators will do anything to get what they want.

As shown below, the situation reached an obscene level of ridiculousness. You can see clear attempts to gaslight me and pressure me into answering or changing my stance on my replies.

This was the last thing I said to the predator before I blocked and reported them in an attempt to get them caught. Observe how as soon as I called this person out they immediately became defensive and tried to manipulate me into thinking that what they were doing and asking me was completely normal- that I was the crazy one for asking for proof. 

Unfortunately, this is just the tip of the iceberg. They had asked me questions I found too lewd to even answer or take screenshots of.

This bizarre encounter was honestly astonishing. I do not even know if I was talking to a man or a woman.

Alhamdullilah, I am so glad because even if I was a little bit gullible, I was aware enough about predatory behavior that I didn’t fall victim to this perpetrator. I am especially grateful for my mother, who has educated me about predators like this from a very young age; whom even in her drowsy state was able to tell me it was a preposterous scam.

I could have been blackmailed.

Talk to your parents or a trusted adult

I am grateful for having an open channel of communication, that my relationship with my mother is based on trust and I could go to her when this occurred. This is a reminder and a learning opportunity for all of us how these scary things can happen to anyone. We must learn how to take caution and protect ourselves and our (underage) loved ones against such situations.

Sis, please talk to your parents. They love you and will be your first line of defense.

Grooming

Grooming is a very common tactic online predators use to gain the trust of their victim. According to InternetSafety101, young people put themselves at great risk by communicating online with individuals they do not know on a personal level. “Internet predators intentionally access sites that children commonly visit and can even search for potential victims by location or interest.

If a predator is already communicating with a child, he or she can piece together clues from what the child mentions while online, including parents’ names, where the child goes to school, and how far away the child lives from a certain landmark, store, or other location.
Online grooming is a process which can take place in a short time or over an extended period of time. Initial conversations online can appear innocent, but often involve some level of deception. As the predator (usually an adult) attempts to establish a relationship to gain a child’s trust, he may initially lie about his age or may never reveal his real age to the child, even after forming an established online relationship. Often, the groomer will know popular music artists, clothing trends, sports team information, or another activity or hobby the child may be interested in, and will try to relate it to the child.”

These tactics lead children and teens to believe that no one else can understand them or their situation like the groomer. After the child’s trust develops, the groomer may use sexually explicit conversations to test boundaries and exploit a child’s natural curiosity about sex. Predators often use pornography and child pornography to lower a child’s inhibitions and use their adult status to influence and control a child’s behavior.

They also flatter and compliment the child excessively and manipulate a child’s trust by relating to emotions and insecurities and affirming the child’s feelings and choices.

Predators will:

* Prey on teen’s desire for romance, adventure, and sexual information.
* Develop trust and secrecy: manipulate child by listening to and sympathizing with child’s problems and insecurities.
* Affirm feelings and choices of child.
* Exploit natural sexual curiosities of child.
* Ease inhibitions by gradually introducing sex into conversations or exposing them to pornography.
* Flatter and compliment the child excessively, send gifts, and invest time, money, and energy to groom the child.
* Develop an online relationship that is romantic, controlling, and upon which the child becomes dependent.
* Drive a wedge between the child and his/her parents and friends.
* Make promises of an exciting, stress-free life, tailored to the youth’s desire.
* Make threats, and often will use child pornography featuring their victims to blackmail them into silence.”

Gaslighting 

Another interesting observation I made is the clear gaslighting this pedophile was trying to perpetuate throughout my conversation with them. You may ask what is gas lighting? 

According to Psychology Today, gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. “Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind,” writes Dr Stephanie Sarkis. 

Recognizing signs that you may be a victim of gaslighting:

Second guessing. Are you constantly second guessing yourself when talking to this person or questioning your own morals that you wouldn’t have thought twice about otherwise? For example, when this person popped up in my inbox I wouldn’t have thought twice about blocking or just deleting the message if it was a man but, since it seemed to be a woman I was duped into thinking that it was more acceptable or I could trust them more.

Feeling as if you are being too sensitive. Again I cannot emphasize this enough that you must trust your instincts, if you are feeling uncomfortable and your internal alarm bells are ringing- listen to them! Anyone can be a victim of gaslighting or manipulation. 

Feeling constantly confused. Another sign that you may be falling victim to gas lighting is when you are constantly confused and second guessing your thoughts and opinions.

Three takeaways:

1. Trust your instincts (I’m going to reiterate this, always trust your gut feeling, if you feel like you are uncomfortable whether it’s a situation you are in or if you don’t have a good feeling while talking to a certain person I advise you exit the chat or don’t answer in the first place.)
2. Never answer to someone whom you don’t know. I will say this was my first and biggest mistake that I have made: allowing this person’s messages into my inbox, and replying to their ridiculous claims and questions. Now that I think about it I don’t even know if this was a woman or not.
3. Set your boundaries! This is probably the most important tip to take away from this article. Setting up your boundaries from the beginning is so important. Whether it is a friend, partner or colleague, if you do not set your boundaries from the beginning of your interaction or relationship with that person; people will not respect your limits and choices later on. Especially if your boundaries have to do with religion, moral compasses, or even specific pet peeves you have. I cannot emphasize how much boundaries matter when it comes to any daily interaction you may have in your daily life.

The post I Encountered A Predator On Instagram appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

We need to bring this topic out of the darkness and shine a light on the facts. Mental illness is a disease. It can be treated, but with varying outcomes. Often times, it is a lifelong battle that despite even the most aggressive treatment and support of family members, victims succumb to their illness by withdrawing from loved ones, suffering in silence and, in the worst cases, ending their lives. Mental illness is often hereditary or can be brought on by life circumstances.

As parents, we should facilitate healthy emotional wellbeing in our children as a way to help arm them against the inevitable hardships they will face in life. While for some children even our best efforts will be futile against a genetic predisposition toward depression or a severe biological mental illness condition, we still need to do our part by being conscious of caring for this aspect of our children. We are so concerned about how our kids are developing academically and in their deen, but we forget about their feelings. We need to make certain our tactics and efforts gear our children toward developing a healthy mindset and positive self-esteem. For some, this armor can be a shield during times of difficulty. If our efforts at home are not helping, know when to seek help from a mental health provider. There is great wisdom in reaching out to professionals who can better assess what your child might be experiencing.

The US Department of Health and Human Services stated that the number of adolescents who experience at least one major depressive episode leapt by 60 percent between 2010-2016. Suicide deaths among people age 10-19 have also risen sharply according to the latest data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Our children are of a generation where they are programmed for instant gratification, parents tend to swoop in and solve problems instantly for their children, attention span is short, and they are constantly connected to the digital world with everything at their fingertips immediately. The result of this modern lifestyle in our children is that they are not learning to be resilient and they no longer learn to develop a natural ability to persevere, to have the ability to keep working toward goals despite setbacks and failures.  

So, how can we better raise our children to be able to operate at their optimal in today’s world, to have emotional strength and resilience? Here are a few tips and strategies I’ve compiled over the years from multiple sources that can help build confident children who know how to deal with today’s challenges:

Make Salah Part of Your Child’s Life: Allah swt will bless the lives of those who pray their daily prayers and your child will develop God-consciousness through this act. Teach your child to ask Allah for help daily. Pray with your children and remind them to pray. The gift of Salah was given to our prophet (pbuh) during one of the toughest years of his life, the passing of his uncle Abu Talib and his wife Khadija, and the severe persecution of Muslims. The act of prayer is a reminder to Muslims to turn to Allah swt during times of hardship.

Make Dua: By reciting the duas for everything from studying for test, to playing a game, to driving a car, to leaving the house, we are constantly remembering Allah swt. This is another way children find strength in their daily activities. By connecting all of our actions with Allah swt, we find support and strength in our Creator.

Let Them Go Outside and Play: Unplug your children and send them outside to play. Today’s youth spend on average just four to seven minutes outside each day in unstructured outdoor play such as climbing trees, building forts, catching bugs or playing tag, studies show. Yet, many children spend 3-4 hours each day in front of a screen. In recent years, the National Wildlife Federation released a comprehensive report showing the unique benefits of playing outside on mental health.  

Participate in Afterschool Clubs/Activities: Having children participate in a team sport or club where they have to interact with a group of individuals to achieve a goal builds confidence and promotes teamwork. These interactions teach children how to express themselves, how to take critical feedback, and how to accept failure. They learn that sometimes they might lead the group and sometimes they will fall in line and have to be a participant of the group. Kids learn how each person is part of the overall success of the group or team. This is especially important as we are living in a time when everything is “I” – IPhones, iMacs, iPads. We need to teach children more about “WE”!!!   

Let Children Help Around the House: Stop doing everything for your kids. Let them clean the dinner table, put the dishes in the sink, throw away the garbage, make their bed, clean their room, put their homework in their backpack, etc… Children will not learn to be independent and self-functioning when everything is done for them.  

Stop Overpraising Your Child: A recent study done by Stanford University of toddlers showed that praising effort, not talent, leads to greater motivation and more positive attitudes toward challenges down the road. These findings are consistent with previous research, which has connected praise with increased motivation in children, but only when it is based on real attributes. Consider these making these alternative statements:

• Instead of saying “You are so smart!” say “You work so hard in school and it shows.”
• Instead of saying “You always get good grades. It makes me happy!” say “When you put forth effort, your grades show it. You should be so proud of yourself and I am proud of you.”
• Instead of saying “You are a great athlete! You could be the next LeBron James!” say “Keep practicing and you will continue to see great results. Good Job!”

Let Them Fail: This does not mean let your kids fail a class. Encourage your children to try new hobbies or activities, like an art project, a sport, or trying to learn how to rollerblade. Kids who can’t tolerate failure are vulnerable to anxiety and this can lead to bigger problems when they do inevitably fail. Children need to know that it’s ok to fail as this will happen throughout their lives. They need to know that it is a brave act to try something new, knowing that it might not work out. Shielding children from failure can create a fragile sense of self-worth. Being able to recover from any setback will be a valuable tool in their life. Help them to reframe the way they view failure by suggesting new ways to assess the experience, such as:

• If your child says “I’m so stupid” – teach them to instead ask themselves, “What was I missing in that assignment?” or “What could I have studied more?”
• Instead of “I’m not good at math (or any other subject)” – encourage them to say “I’m going to train harder in math (or any subject)”
• Instead of “This is too hard” – help them instead to see the obstacle as “This is going to take some time and effort”
• Instead of “I give up” – teach your child to say “I’m going to try again but this time I’ll use another strategy”
• Instead of saying “I made a mistake” – instead say, “Mistakes help me improve.”

Teach Your Kids How to Express Themselves: Having daily conversations with your child and letting them talk helps children to know you value their thoughts. Individuals who bottle up emotions and don’t talk about their feelings are more likely to struggle with emotional wellness. Learning to identify and express emotions in a positive and healthy way helps young children build astrong foundation of success later in life.

Encourage Your Children to be Active, Exercise and Make Healthy Food Choices: This is another developmental area that we have to be careful how we use our words. Even physicians don’t use the words “obesity” and “overweight” with kids. Instead, talk about health in general. Say things like “Being healthy is important,” and “I enjoy getting outside and walking with you.” If your child brings up to you his or her discomfort with how they look, listen to what they have to say and offer solutions for how your entire family can improve their health and make healthy choices. When the entire family makes healthy choices, a child doesn’t feel singled out and he or she will feel supported in efforts to be healthy. Children are sensitive about their body image and what others think of them, especially in preteen years but even as early as age 6.  Develop healthy eating and exercise habits as a family even with your young children. Even very young children can develop low self-esteem about how they look. Make a habit of getting your kids moving for 30-60 minutes daily when they get home from school. Teach them to make better choices regarding food.

Community Service: Teach your children to share and help others.  Research shows individuals who help others and do community service are happier than others who don’t. Spend time as a family volunteering at a soup kitchen, cleaning the park together, or attending a social justice rally. Allah swt will always help a servant who takes care of His creation.

Show Love to your Children: Kids need to feel and hear how much their parents love them. Hugging and showing affection to your children is crucial for children in building a positive self-concept. Fathers, especially, make an extra effort to show affection toward both your sons and daughters.    

Do Not Buy Them Everything They Want: Life is not easy.  If children are always receiving every gift they want, they don’t learn to value even the most basic necessities in life. Mashallah, many parents who are financially well off want to give their kids what they did not have but this can take away the drive of children to work hard and appreciate hard work and gifts.

Build Good Character in Your Children Starting When They are Young:  If you instill good behavior and model good behavior yourself starting when your children are young, they are more likely to naturally develop good character. Learning to control one’s anger, to respect elders, to say please and thank you, to share, and take care of guests are all acts children must begin learning very young.   These selfless acts help children to know that life is not just about them.    

Teach Patience: Allah reminds us that Allah is with those who are patient. Life is full of ups and downs in health, wealth, family and more. All of us will be tested in at least one of these areas. Help your children realize solutions are not always going to be instant. Sometimes resolutions will take time.   

Finally and most importantly, if you see your child or family member really struggling, Get HELP!  Going to a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist is not wrong and can be life-saving. I have seen adults not receive help because of what people would say or because families discount the severity of a person’s symptoms, telling him or her that their emotional issues are because they lack imaan or that it’s black magic. Certainly seek spiritual help but, at the same time, get help from medical specialists who Allah created to help people suffering with mental illness. There are medications that can help treat mental diseases and counseling that can help alleviate suffering.  May Allah guide us and protect us all and grant us the ability to have compassion for those suffering from any illness.

NOTE: Many thanks to MCCA School Counselor Dr. Samar Harfi, PsyD., for her oversight and contributions to the content of this article.

The post Supporting Our Children’s Mental And Emotional Well-Being appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

“Abdullah* had been asking for help, but we didn’t get it . . . He was a nice kid. Always polite and respectful — the kind of kid every parent dreamed of. But he had struggled. His father was known to be hot-headed and a number of times people had heard him yelling at Abdullah in the masjid. No one wanted to ruffle the dad’s feathers, so everyone remained quiet… Eventually, everyone stopped seeing him at the masjid….And then we find out he committed suicide.”

*name changed for privacy

What would you say to your children if they were friends with Abdullah? How would you support them as they grieve the death of their friend? As a community leader or educator, how do you support Muslim children and youth? It is hard to imagine that suicide is even an issue among our young people, but it is happening all across Muslim communities. Suicide can be a sensitive topic, but it is one that needs to be addressed.

The Family & Youth Institute (FYI), a research and education institute that promotes mental health and well being of individuals and families and, specializes in the needs of American Muslims, has developed resources for individuals who might be suicidal, who are suicide attempt survivors, suicide loss survivors, mental health professionals, educators, community organizers, and family and friends affected by suicide. These Suicide Prevention and Intervention Resources include: i) Community Action Guide, ii) Toolkit iii) Prevention Infographic, iv) Intervention Infographic, and v) National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention Video (featuring Dr. Sawssan Ahmed, an FYI researcher).

As a parent, what can you do to support your grieving child?

Listen

• What is most helpful is to listen without judging, interpreting, advising, or evaluating- don’t be quick to offer advice and give opinions.
• Reflect back to them so that they know they have been heard. For example, “You really get uncomfortable when kids at school talk about your friend. You wish they knew what it’s like to have a friend die.” Doing this helps children trust that you will listen to them.

Be open to different ways of grieving

• Children can have a wide range of reactions and ways of expressing their grief
• There is no right or wrong way to grieve – some cry, some lash out in anger and others withdraw
• Let them know ALL of their reactions are okay and supporting them to discover what works best for them (as long as their behavior does not hurt themselves or others)

Know that grief doesn’t follow a schedule

• The stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
• Grieving may include one, all, or none of these experiences and they do not occur in any particular order
• Let your child know it’s common for their feelings, thoughts, and physical responses to change day to day, sometimes minute to minute!

There are different ways to communicate

• Children might turn more towards peers or solo endeavors such as music or journaling for comfort and support
• Children may not talk with the adults about how they are feeling or even about the person who died
• For teens especially, methods of communication that aren’t face to face can be easier to navigate.

1. Passing a notebook back and forth, with the understanding that unless there was a safety concern, nothing written would be brought up in person, to be a great way to open up the lines of communication.
2. Texting, email, short videos, or written notes – get creative and work with your teen to find what works for both of you.

Know that grief affects children on many levels

Some children:

• Have trouble sleeping, especially in the few weeks or months after the death and/or have nightmares
• Have short tempers, mood swings, and experience irritability
• Can become forgetful, so your child may need extra reminders about chores and plans
• Experience difficulty concentrating in class or completing homework

For more information, check out The FYI Suicide Prevention Toolkit, a helpful resource for individuals affected by suicide. The Toolkit is a compilation of videos, articles, infographics and hotlines and is organized into sections by reader (suicidal individual, suicide attempt survivor, suicide loss survivor., etc).

As a community member or leader, what can you do after suicide loss?

The entire community and the peers of the person who died by suicide may also be shocked and trying to comprehend the tragedy. There may be other people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts, have depression, or have experienced this before and are experiencing post-traumatic stress symptoms, amongst other possibilities. Therefore, it is important that the whole community is aware of the way they conduct themselves, especially in the way in which the death is discussed. When talking about the incident, avoid hearsay and gossip and recognize that you do not know what is going on in the minds and hearts of the people around you. Check out the following resources for communities as a whole:

1. The FYI Suicide Prevention Community Action Guide is designed to: increase community awareness and education, help identify ways to integrate prevention efforts into your community and highlight relevant resources for those in need. This guide is meant to equip you with the knowledge and tools to better prevent, intervene, and address suicide in your community and help save lives.
2. The FYI Suicide Prevention and Intervention Infographics are another helpful resource. They cover topics such as factors that contribute to suicide, warning signs, what to do, and how to talk to someone who is contemplating suicide. These resources are quick and easy references that cover the basics, and are meant to help you intervene with someone who is experiencing suicidal thoughts, but also provide information to destigmatize suicide. It can be handed out in the community, and posted in areas which are heavily frequented by people.
3. Handbook for Survivors of Suicide Loss This handbook covers grief, how to tell others (children, friends, etc.), managing social media, financial concerns, and other resources.
4. A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide is a book for people who have lost a loved one to suicide, written by someone who has suffered the same loss. It addresses the emotional roller coaster a loss survivor experiences, grief, suicide facts and myths, battling guilt, moving on, and support.
5. Suicide Survivor Resource list. This sheet lists a selection of organizations, websites, and materials that can help people who have lost someone to suicide. Many of these resources were developed by survivors of suicide loss.
6. After a Suicide: A Toolkit for Schools identifies ways to deal with a tragic loss in a community. The content will help you effectively coordinate a crisis response, help individuals cope with their feelings, work with the community, address social media and minimize the risk of suicide contagion. Though it is written for educators and school leaders, the content can be easily transferable for communities and an excellent resource for community leaders.

Other resources:

• Grief Toolkit: http://www.thefyi.org/toolkits/grief-support-tool-kit/
• Crisis Text Line. Text TALK to 741-741 to text with a trained crisis counselor from the Crisis Text Line for free, 24/7.
• Muslim Youth 24-hr Helpline: 1.866.627.3342 (http://naseeha.org/)
• Stones to Bridge (anonymous support and counseling for Muslim youth) http://www.stonestobridges.org/

Helping those affected by suicide can be difficult and draining, but inshaAllah will be rewarding. The Family and Youth Institute is available to help support the mental health and well being of American Muslims. We hope these resources are beneficial to you and if you have any questions or want more information please visit our website http://www.thefyi.org or contact us at info@thefyi.org.

The post A New Reality : Responding to Suicide appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

As the days of the Obama Administration near their end and cute photo collections and videos of the president’s relationship with kids are shared on social media, here is a closer look at some of his administration’s policy legacy when it comes to Muslim children [Editor’s Note].

Nearly fifteen years of the War on Terror may not have led to any appreciable decline of terrorist groups but they certainly have resulted in the US government coming up with some uniquely comical ideas on how the war should be fought. The State Department once spent millions of dollars for its Center for Strategic Counterterrorism Communications division to troll Islamic State accounts on Twitter. Earlier this year, the State Department offered a $1.5 million grant to produce a “television drama series” aimed at “countering violent extremism among young people in contemporary Afghan society.”

One of the more recent ideas, however, is more frightening than funny. The FBI’s strategy for Preventing Violent Extremism in Schools aims to recruit teachers and school officials to monitor students for signs of radicalization. The criteria for what may constitute radicalization may as well be designed to facilitate racial and religious profiling and quash political dissent. It includes those who criticize US government policies, have qualms about “western corruption,” use “code word or unusual language,” and travel to “suspicious” countries. It also reinforces the mistaken belief that there are reliable indicators which may help predict who becomes a violent extremist.

The FBI’s strategy came under immediate fire for instructing teachers to effectively “act as puppets of federal law enforcement” and using the threat of terrorism to “justify a massive surveillance apparatus.” A coalition of 14 civil liberties organizations pointed out to FBI Director James Comey that the Bureau’s strategy “perpetuates profiling and negative stereotypes that Arabs, Sikhs, South Asians, Muslims and those perceived to be Muslim are prone to engage in extremist violence…”

Muslim students already face abuse and bullying in schools and the FBI’s strategy is likely to exacerbate this trend. In a study published last year, the California chapter of the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR-CA) reported that 55% of American Muslim students it surveyed admitted being subjected to “some form of bullying based on their religious identity,” a rate that was twice as high as the national average.

In addition to the threat of bullying, the FBI strategy also compromise the trust teachers strive to cultivate with students as well as teachers’ attempts to encourage original and creative thinking in students. As Congressman Bennie G. Thompson (D-MS) warned in a letter to Attorney General Loretta Lynch, having teachers participate in the FBI’s strategy may “chill relationships with students or, for that matter, undermine a supportive learning environment.”

These concerns are not merely theoretical. The FBI’s strategy is modeled after UK’s Countering Violent Extremism (CVE) program known as Prevent. Since the British Parliament passed the Counter-Terrorism and Security Act in 2015, public sector workers such as teachers and doctors have a statutory duty to identify students and patients at risk of violent extremism and report them to Channel, the government’s deradicalization program. Some recent reports on Prevent illustrate the problems the FBI’s strategy is likely to encounter and the impact it will have on students and teachers.

A survey of 507 social workers carried out by the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS) found that more than 40% were “unconfident about being able to assess an individual’s vulnerability to being drawn into terrorism.” This is no shock since academic studies suggests there are no reliable indicators which can help predict who will become a violent extremist. A subsequent analysis by CAFCASS of 54 family court cases involving radicalization confirmed that “it is not possible to create a profile of children at risk of radicali[z]ation.”

This flawed methodology has resulted in some pernicious effects, as delineated by a recent report by Rights Watch UK. The report assessed that Prevent stigmatizes Muslim students, stifles creativity and free expression, interferes with the right to education, undermines privacy, and may actually promote the very extremism it seeks to curb.

A few examples highlighted by the report provide a snapshot of the effects Prevent has had on students. An eight year-old boy in east London was referred to social services for wearing a shirt with the words, “I want to be like Abu Bakr al-Siddique” (considered to be one of the first converts to Islam and the first Caliph after Mohammad’s death). A 17 year-old north London boy was questioned by a “special constable” responsible for Prevent in schools for “handing out leaflets … highlighting the humanitarian emergency and water shortages in Gaza.” He was further questioned by two police officers who informed him they were “only looking for certain types of Muslims.”

In perhaps the most outrageous case, a 16 year-old Hampshire student with special needs was referred to Prevent for borrowing a book on terrorism from the school library. Understandably, the child’s mother was infuriated with this arrangement. In an interview with Rights Watch UK, she asked the most obvious question: “If a child isn’t allowed to take a book out of a library and read it, what do they have it for? If that book is in a library any student can go and read it, then if he can’t read it, who is allowed to read it?”

As is to be expected, Muslim students are disproportionately targeted by school and government officials under Prevent. According to the most recent data, as the report notes, 57.4% of all referrals were Muslims, despite making up just 4.8% of the UK’s population.

In no uncertain terms, the report concluded that the UK government needs to abolish Prevent and provide “reparations to those children and families harmed by the strategy.”

There is no reason to believe the results of the FBI’s strategy will be any different.

Equally alarming are localized versions of the strategies which are being pursued under the aegis of Countering Violent Extremism (CVE). Boston’s CVE framework, for example, insists on the need for behavioral assessment of students from kindergarten all the way to colleges. According to documents released through a Freedom of Information Act request, students in Montgomery County, Maryland, can been identified as vulnerable to extremism simply for exhibiting signs of stress, alienation, and homesickness.

In the UK, Prevent has already faced resistance from community groups. The National Union of Students attacked the strategy for assuming “all Muslim students are suspect before proving otherwise.” At their annual conference, the National Union of Teachers voted overwhelmingly to pass a motion opposing Prevent.

In the US, too, there is growing opposition to the FBI’s strategy, led by civil rights and Muslim groups. The American Federation of Teachers has recently joined the opposition. In an open letter to the FBI Director James Comey, it argued against “[i]ncreased ideological policing and surveillance efforts” which will “have a chilling effect on our schools and on immigrant communities, jeopardizing children’s sense of safety and well-being and threatening the security and sense of trust of entire communities.”

Despite the objection of educators, civil liberties groups, and Muslim organizations, the FBI is proceeding with its strategy, subverting the primary functions of schools and turning them into “mini-surveillance states.” By alienating students and treating them as suspects, it is likely to encourage violent extremism rather than challenge it.

The post President Obama’s Counter-Terrorism Programs Target Muslim Students in Public Schools appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

[dropcap size=small]W[/dropcap]hile Muslims were celebrating the final days of Ramadan and Eid, two unarmed black men – Philando Castile and Alton Sterling – were shot and killed by police officers in separate events in Minneapolis and Baton Rouge. These recent events underscore a disheartening trend: young black men in America are nine times more likely to be killed by police officers than any other demographic.

Race relations have become all the more tense as self-proclaimed, “freedom fighters,” have killed six police officers in Dallas and three police officers in Baton Rouge. Although the news and social media have been filled with updates and opinions, few articles have been geared toward kids. Even those articles that make a case for why we should talk to our kids about it, don’t explain how.

So, what do we tell our kids?

In the following sections, we will discuss: (a) a rationale for discussing race relations in America with kids, (b) a historical narrative to teach, (c) key topics to discuss, and (d) action items.

Why Muslims Must Tell Their Kids

As a parent, you might be asking yourself, “Why should I tell my child about race relations in America?” Here are three important reasons:

Instilling Justice

The cases of Philando Castile and Alton Sterling are each examples of a grave injustice in which police officers used their positions of power and authority to make a judgment and exert force unfairly. Islam teaches us to stand up against injustice wherever we see it. The Qur’an states “…do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just; that is nearer to righteousness. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is acquainted with what you do” (5:8).

Standing for Equity

The events that transpired in Minneapolis and Baton Rouge are part of a larger narrative of the persistent unequal treatment of people of color. This is not only morally reprehensible, but also against the teachings of Islam. Allah says “Oh mankind, indeed We have created you from a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you” (49:13).

Creating Consciousness

Reflecting on the stories of the police officers who shot and killed these Black men, a discussion on our own awareness of biases and stereotypes is required. While the police officers might deny being racist, their actions say otherwise. Their hasty judgment led to the death of young men. In the same way, our own assumptions and prejudices can have terrible consequences.

This isn’t just an American problem, it is an American-Muslim problem as well. The Muslim Anti-Racism Collaborative released a study in 2015, documenting serious forms of racism within the American-Muslim community. If you don’t have time to read through the study, a summary (in pop-culture form) is available here.

Why Parents Don’t Tell Their Kids

These are tough conversations. Parents may not want to have these conversations because they are personally uncomfortable. The American Psychology Association, believes that it is integral for parents to keep talking anyway, and that the discussions get easier over time. However, there are two common hesitations that parents have.

My Kids are Color Blind

One common hesitation that parents cite when discussing topics related to race is that “my children [and I] don’t see color; we treat all people equally.” This argument, often referred to as “color blindness,” lacks merit because even if a parent allegedly does not see race, it still does not account for institutional racism. Secondly, studies show that our brains naturally discriminate and therefore, it is irresponsible to claim that one, “does not see color.”

My Kids are Too Young

Another common contention is that, “my children are too young to speak to about race,” or that “my children aren’t affected by racism.” This is simply not true. An in-depth investigation by CNN, titled “Kids on Race,” in 2012 showcases that children as young as six years old have varying attitudes on race.

We recommend the following discussion for parents of children age six and above.

The Story to Share with Kids

Our goal is to share a historical narrative to help children understand the concept of institutional racism, as it pertains to Black people in America. This narrative follows advice provided from the journal, Multicultural Education.

What Monopoly Can Teach Us About Racism

Let’s begin with a story. Imagine everyone in the family except for you (the child) are playing a game of Monopoly (or pick another game that may be more appropriate for your family, e.g. Pokemon, Chutes & Ladders, LIFE). We play for one hour, and now, each of us owns properties and has earned lots of money. Now imagine, after all of this, we let you (the child) join the game. You start with nothing. If each of us does the same amount of work, do you think you could win? No, there is very little chance, because you are starting so far behind.

This game is similar to the experience of Black people in America. Nearly 400 years ago, White European settlers in America went to Africa. There, the settlers kidnapped Black Africans and brought them to America. These Africans were enslaved. This means that they forced the Africans to work for them. From the time the Africans were children, they had to work all day and were not able to go to school either.

For more than 200 years, this is how Black people lived in America. Finally, a lot of people – some White and some Black – gained the courage to stand up against this. They said that enslaving people was bad, and that it needed to stop. And, they succeeded. Slavery was abolished, meaning that it ended. Black people were freed so that they could begin leading normal lives. Meaning, they could buy homes, go to school, and get normal jobs!

But, remember that game of Monopoly we played? Just because somebody is playing the game, that doesn’t mean it was fair. Today, because they were treated unfairly from the beginning, Black people have to work harder than others for the same results. Not only that, when slavery was abolished, some people still had bad feelings towards Black people just because they looked different. Because of that, they treated Black people very badly. For example, Black people weren’t able to eat at the same restaurants or even use the same bathrooms. These actions are called, “discrimination,” and some still treat Black people unfairly today.

For a more detailed history of slavery in America, this website is a good source. Additionally, “If You Lived When There Was Slavery in America,” published by Scholastic, paints a picture of slavery in America for children age five and above.

Key Watch Outs

Important notes: (1) Do not refer to the Africans as “slaves,” but rather say that they were “enslaved.” This slight difference underscores the initial act of injustice, instead of labeling a group of people with a term of disempowerment. (2) Clarify that over time, enslaved Africans were called African Americans, who are also called Black people, or people of color. (3) This narrative is a very simplified version of the history, and can be modified depending on the age of your children.

Given this history, below is a set of questions and activities that parents can engage in with children to help foster an understanding of fairness and discrimination.

Activity #1 – The Sweet Taste of Fairness

What does it mean if something is fair? Have Black people been treated fairly in the history of our country? We seek to answer these questions through this activity. You will need 12 pieces of candy. Follow the instructions and questions below.

Imagine President Obama gave me five pieces of candy and only gave you one. How would you feel? The goal of this discussion is to help children understand the meaning of “fairness.” It is in our fitra, or human nature, to be opposed to injustice and attracted to justice.

Now what if the roles were switched, and you received five pieces of candy and I only had one. How would you feel? The goal of this discussion is for children to understand that when we are in situations of privilege (e.g. when we have the candy), we must give to those who do not have it.

So let’s say President Obama gave me five pieces and only gave you one. Now, President Obama comes back. He has four pieces of candy. Who should he give the pieces of candy to?  The goal here is to foster a desire for equity instead of equality. By the standards of equality, each individual should be given two. But, this isn’t fair because the child will only have three pieces total and the parent will now have seven! However, by the standards of equity, the child should be given all four pieces to make up for the prior deficit. That way, each individual has five pieces of candy.

In the American context, this goes against our beliefs about hard work paying off (the Protestant work ethic, the land of opportunity, etc). We like to believe that the good that comes to us is a product of our own efforts, not a privilege handed to us by a rigged system.

Final question: Now that we know about fairness and equity, do you think Black people have been treated fairly in the history of the United States? The goal here is to bring the conversation together. Black people in America have not been treated fairly. The over 200-year history of slavery (and lack of equity) means there isn’t a level playing field.

In the Holy Qur’an, “Allah orders for justice and fairness, (16:90). Allah continues saying, “O you who believe! Stand firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even if it be against yourselves, your parents, and your relatives, or whether it is against the rich or the poor…” (4:135). Not only with your family and relatives, but even with others, Allah commands us to be fair and just.

Activity #2 – Tart Discrimination

Is it okay to treat people differently based on how they look? We seek to answer this question through the following activity. You will need at least four people and four lemons. This activity was originally created by the Anti-Defamation League.

Assign each person a lemon and ask the individual to become an expert on the lemon – how it looks, smells, and feels. Next, collect the lemons in one basket and move them around such that their order is not easily discovered. Finally, ask the participants to locate their lemon from the basket. Remarkably, most will be able to find their lemon.

Ask the individuals how they were able to spot their lemon. Some may reference the size, others may talk about color, etc. This is a precursor to a discussion on how people are like that – different sizes, shapes, and colors.

Now, collect the lemons again. This time, peel the lemons, and ask the kids to find their own lemon. Presented with this, the children will respond saying, “All of the lemons look the same!” This comment opens the door to the realization that people, similar to lemons, look different on the outside but are all essentially the same on the inside.

Final Question: If we, like the lemons, are all similar on the inside, is it okay to treat people differently based on how they look on the outside?The goal here is to bring the conversation together. Black people in America are still being treated unfairly because of the way they look.

The Holy Prophet says, “If one of you sees something evil, he should change it with his hand. If he cannot, he should speak out against it, and if he cannot do even that, he should at least detest it in his heart, this being the weakest form of faith.” We describe this notion of justice in our book, “Noor Kids Stand Up to Bullying.”

As parents, we recommend the following three actions to help alleviate the inequity associated with race in our communities. Some activities involve children, others do not.

Step One – Reflect on Our Biases

Where do biases stem from? According to Dr. Derald Wing Sue at Columbia University, it starts at home. She says, “Many parents talk to their children about embracing difference, but in subtle, covert ways, they communicate something very different. For example, when approaching a group of black youngsters, a mother may unconsciously pull the child nearer to her.” As parents, it is our responsibility, firstly, to reflect on our biases. If unchecked, these biases may manifest themselves in our children.

Step Two – Role Model Behavior

How can we protect ourselves from negative biases? The answer is simple: people. Dr. Wing Sue explains, “many [non-Black] parents often talk to kids about the evils of prejudice and discrimination, yet in their own lives they have few friends or neighbors of color with whom they regularly socialize. These implicit communications are more powerful than any intentional efforts on the part of parents.”

As parents, if we expect our children to grow up with an appreciation for humanity, we too must reflect such diversity in our daily lives through our friends and neighbors.

Step Three – Participate

As the Holy Prophet’s saying goes, if we cannot solve this issue with our hands, we should at least speak out against it. Many scholars of note, including Shaykh Omar Suleiman and Imam Suhaib Webb, have taken to the streets and participated in locally-organized protests. Participating in such events sends a strong message to children that we, as Muslims, have a responsibility to stand up with the oppressed.

If it is not possible to attend a protest, it is valuable to either call or write a letter to your local state representative. In your phone call or letter, you and your children should each discuss why you are troubled about recent violence towards Black people in America and express a need to hold responsible parties accountable. This too sends a strong message to children to participate in their local government.

This work has been created by Sana H. Aaser, Educational Director at Noor Kids. Sana has a Master’s degree in education with a focus on equity and social justice. Her research on American-Muslim youth identity earned her San Francisco State University’s highest honors as a graduate hood recipient.  

Noor Kids is a Harvard-supported monthly, at-home Islamic education program designed by creative and scholarly experts to help 4- to- 8 year-olds learn and love Islam. To see a free sample, click here.

The post Teach Your Kids About Black Lives Matter Now appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

It was the day after the second Paris attack. Our local Muslim school sent parents a text-message telling them that security guards would flank the school gates the next day. Messages were flying around, complete with fuzzy CCTV footage of Muslim women who had been verbally or physically attacked in public places, in the climate of hatred and fear that seemed to hang like a cloud over us.

My sons, proudly wear traditional garments (thobe and white skullcap) when going to certain classes at the Mosque. It is the uniform for their Qur’an class. It’s of course not obligatory for them to wear it but they normally do. They were about to set out and catch a bus when a sense of dread came over me as I realised how vulnerable they looked and how so visibly ‘Muslim’. People had been fed a drip diet of negativity surrounding Islam and Muslims. The heinous crimes of some of our co-religionists, playing on 24-hour news channels had contributed to that climate. It would only take one angry person…

In that moment I considered telling my sons to pop their jeans on instead, reserving their traditional garb for when they were safely inside the mosque. In that moment I was terrified at the power I wielded as a parent to influence their mindset with a word I might utter. And in that moment, I bit my tongue and decided to choose Tawakkul and empowerment and banish victimhood and fear.

There was no real danger. Most of our fellow citizens are not full of hatred. Most of them do know a Muslim well enough to know better. I believe much of the fear-mongering that goes on in Muslim circles, is manufactured and perpetuated by people continuously forwarding unconfirmed scare stories to one another (or perhaps people infiltrating our lists and groups, maliciously intending to spread panic).

In the aftermath of these attacks it’s important to continue living as you normally live day to day as much as possible and since my sons usually do wear these clothes to the mosque without issue, I didn’t want to introduce the idea of hiding being a Muslim to them.

It’s not about fanatically holding onto garments. Indeed if there is real and present danger we should take the precautions necessary and should not put our children at high risk. However, this was about the attitude we seek to instil in the next generation of Believers.

Over the Channel in France, with its aggressive secularism, it has become commonplace for many Muslims to hide their Islam. Britain’s Muslims, including my sons, are confident and very comfortable expressing our faith and culture, Alhamdulillah. This is home and we aren’t guests here. The vast majority of our compatriots are respectful towards us and, especially in the vibrant melting-pot that is London, we have grown up together, laughed, cried, learned and played together. We grew up being told to express our culture and be ourselves.

In the 80s racists used to abuse us for having a different skin colour – which we couldn’t hide. They would hurl insults at my mother for observing hijab. That overt racism is largely gone. But the point is this: Our parents didn’t persevere through the tough times that they faced, only for our generation to lie down as soon as we face some pressure!

By all means let us teach our children to take the normal precautions any child should. Teaching them the very powerful duas and supplications for going outside as well as the du’a when facing fear, and the du’a for resolve, were my first port of call.^[1] But I refuse to instil cowardice in their hearts and will continue to teach them to hold their heads up high as Muslims in a world where their faith is misrepresented.

I see parenting as a calling. Children are the ultimate carriers of our values beyond our own short lives. Most of us still hear our mothers’ voices in our heads, giving us the occasion telling-off or reminding us to do the right thing. Most of us subconsciously ask ourselves what dad would have done. We may of course reassess some of those values, rejecting some and adapting others. However, a parent’s attitude and philosophy of life is no doubt a most powerful factor in setting a child’s direction in the world.

So how will I be teaching my children to respond to anti-Muslim hatred? What do I hope their attitude will be, growing up in 21st Century Britain?

The key messages I will be giving my children are:

First: Have faith in Allah’s plan. Our tradition teaches us that everything, however difficult it may be for us to understand, happens for a reason and happens by the will of God. It teaches us that through Sabr – patiently persevering upon the straight path, through hard work and prayer, we will see the fruits of our efforts.

Second: Never be afraid to be different. Some of the greatest people in history went against the grain. They were immensely unpopular and often persecuted. In the end, their unwavering, patient, perseverance for justice shone through. We have an example of that in the great messengers of God such as Moses, Jesus and Muhammad, peace be upon them. And in recent times we have the likes of Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Malcolm X – who fought injustice, were persecuted or killed for their cause, but morally triumphant as eventually the world caught up with them.

Third: Be politically engaged. Outrage at injustices around the world is natural. But how you allow that to manifest itself is pivotal. The Qur’an tells us that we must live up to being “the best people extracted for the sake of humanity.” The conditions for being amongst the best of people are that we must enjoin the good, beginning with ourselves and forbid what is wrong and have faith in God. Loving ones country means sometimes holding a mirror up to it and with wisdom, speaking truth to power.

Fourth: Be socially engaged. Contribute and give to society positively with all your heart and with all of your talents. Serve your neighbours, serve your fellow citizens. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ would go the extra mile to reach out to people and fulfil their needs, to feed, to clothe, to share a burden. He never encouraged us to live in ghettos, happy with our own piety. Mixing with people, sharing, caring, giving, getting involved with the issues of society is his example and your duty.

Fifth: Seek deeper knowledge of scripture from traditional scholars who are also forward-thinking. The Qur’an has a context to it. Reading ones own interpretations into it willy nilly gives a warped understanding. We see the catastrophic effects of that in lands where injustice is being justified by ignorant Twitter and Facebook muftis interpreting revelation. Our tradition is rich, it gave birth to one of the greatest civilisations in history. Don’t be rash. Don’t be a hothead. The energy of youth needs to be tempered by the wisdom of scholars and elders. Our faith needs a generation of leaders who have depth of understanding and a wealth of wisdom in order to traverse the murky waters that may lay ahead. Be that generation.

^[1] Some of the supplications can be found in du’a books and on the website: http://www.makedua.com/ . A couple of examples are:

بِسْمِ اللهِ ، تَوَكَّلْتُ عَلَى اللهِ وَلَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِاللهِ

“In the name of Allah, I place my trust in Allah and there is no might nor power except with Allah.”

The Prophet ﷺ told us, when we say this, an angel will say: “you shall be defended, protected and guided”. (Abu Dawud)

And this wonderful du’a which every one of us should memorise! It is protection from facing ignorance or harm when going out! Make sure your kids have memorised it!

اللَّهُمَّ إني أَعُوذُ بِكَ أَنْ أَضِلَّ أَوْ أُضَلَّ ، أَوْ أَزِلَّ أَوْ أُزَلَّ ، أَوْ أَظْلِمَ أَوْ أُظْلَمَ ، أَوْ أَجْهَلَ أَوْ يُجْهَلَ عَلَيَّ

“O Allah, I seek refuge with You lest I should stray or be led astray, or slip (i.e. to commit a sin unintentionally) or be tripped, or oppress or be oppressed, or behave foolishly or be treated foolishly.” (Abu Dawud)

Fatima Barkatulla is a seminarian and award-winning Islamic lecturer. Follow her on Facebook. A version of this article was published in The Times and Times Online on Saturday 9th April 2016

^[1] ‘thaub’ is sometimes called a dishdasha (it is a long, dress-like garment worn by men in the Middle-East). ‘Thaub’ is the more commonly used name for it in the Muslim community.

The post Five Courageous Ways To Respond To Anti-Muslim Hatred appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

“Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into someone else’s version of ‘the cause.’ No one can do it all, not even those saying you should do more. So do what you can, and bear in mind that God is Judge, not anyone else. And remember, your most basic responsibility in the face of injustice is to call people to the guidance of Allah. Too many of us forget that.”

—from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

~

It was in my last year of college that I had to humbly accept that I could not do it all. I’d gotten married the summer before and was facing daily sickness, body weakness, and migraines due to pregnancy. Yet I was still working full-time as a student teacher and had projects, term papers, and presentations to prepare. I’d had to resign from my leadership position in the Muslim Student Association and forego the detailed research project required to receive my honors degree; and these two were very difficult for me to walk away from because they’d meant so much to me. But for the sake of my health, I had to.

Years later, when I made the decision to publish novels with spiritual themes, it was for two reasons: to stay focused on what would remind me of the Hereafter, and to inspire others to do the same. In all my years of studying Islam, focusing on the Hereafter was the common theme in every Qur’anic story and prophetic teaching. Whether in the context of ease or hardship, and whether combating injustice or establishing justice, no prophet or messenger deviated from this focus. And I decided to strive my level best to follow their example. But in even this, the lesson I’d learned in college stayed with me: Do your best, but know you cannot do it all.

We’re All a Bit Narcissistic

It’s human nature to see the world from only our vantage point. This is mainly because our own point of view is the only vantage point inherent within all of us. And no matter how much wisdom, life experience, and education we gain along the way, the tendency to see and judge the world according to our own narrow lens never goes away completely. Thus, we can all benefit from learning new perspectives now and then, and we can all benefit from reminders to take a step back and look at things from a different angle. In other words, being humble and amenable never gets old.

When I was in college and came to the realization that I couldn’t do it all (no matter how much I wanted to), I was forced me to see the world from a different point of view. And this new perspective forced me to see not only myself differently, but also others as well.

“Its Your Responsibility”

When I became a well-known author and public figure, I was completely unprepared for being inundated with both private and public messages from Muslims (and occasionally non-Muslims) telling me what I had to write or speak about because “it’s your responsibility.” They’d say what a shame it was that I wasn’t doing such-and-such for a particular group of suffering people or important cause—even as they knew absolutely nothing about me aside from my books, public blogs, and social media posts.

What was most heartbreaking about this experience was that, at times, the harshest criticism and attacks came from fellow writers and da’wah workers, often based solely on what they’d seen of me online. Experiencing this on a personal level inspired this reflection that I posted on my Facebook page:

“Though it may be difficult for the social media generation to understand, some people do have lives outside Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. So before you criticize someone for not addressing or supporting a certain issue or cause, bear in mind that your eyes and knowledge are not those of the Lord of the Worlds. So your time is better spent asking yourself what you can do to help, instead of surveying what others are—or are not—doing during these difficult times.”

—from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

Emotional Manipulation Under the Guise of Activism

Some time ago, I attended a #BlackLivesMatter event organized by a local activist. I’d expected the speech and panel discussion to convey inspirational ways to help others understand the sacredness of black lives in light of the deaths of so many innocent black men, women, and youth. But instead, I sat through over an hour of the activist yelling at the audience for not being present at his other events (Never mind that we were present at this event).

This activist made no mention of the various other activities going on (which many of us had indeed attended), as he apparently felt that only events organized by him mattered. He even went as far as to mention something he’d organized for the following day then said to the men in the audience, “If you don’t show up tomorrow, you’re not a real man!”

Being exposed to his harsh words was deeply triggering for me, as I’d previously suffered my own share of emotional and spiritual abuse at the hands of people in leadership positions. Consequently, I began to avoid any events where this particular activist was speaking. However, because there were many programs he was doing that were helpful to minority youth, I continued to support him via social media whenever I could. But I eventually gave up even this distant support and reluctantly un-followed him after months of reading posts like, “Anyone who doesn’t share this post or come to such-and-such event doesn’t care about black lives! You’re no different from the people murdering them!”

Public Harassment or Activism?

In the midst of the tragic events in Baltimore, I happened to read yet more disturbing words by a self-proclaimed Muslim activist. This time, the words were directed at me specifically. On a public post in which I was discussing the tumultuous events in Baltimore following the death of Freddie Gray, this man said that religious people like me hid behind quotes about Allah and the Hereafter to avoid doing any real work for the community.

Ironically and unbeknown to him, at that very moment—while he was merely talking about coming to Baltimore to show his support—I was in Baltimore and was supporting efforts to provide donations to disadvantaged families who’d lost their homes due to fire and rioting. But because he couldn’t see what I was doing, and because I hadn’t taken pictures of myself or publicly posted all my efforts, he “called me out” for allegedly turning a blind eye to the suffering of African-American people.

What on earth is going on? I was left wondering. When did community activism become public interrogation and harassment?

Is This About Pleasing Allah, or You?

Fortunately, there are many community activists, both Muslim and non-Muslim, who are doing remarkable work to help suffering and disadvantaged people, both nationally and abroad. However, there remains a spiritually destructive culture that has found its way into the Muslim community: inciting public humiliation under the guise of activism and “supporting the cause.”

In this culture, satisfying the desires and demands of prominent activists and their supporters is the measuring stick of “doing your duty.” This mindset allows no room for what cannot be measured by public perception alone. It doesn’t even leave room for the ghayb, that unseen reality known only to Allah.

Anyone viewed as not doing enough for “the cause” is both privately and publicly humiliated and criticized, sometimes in the form of social media hash tag campaigns. Though some of these campaigns start off as well-intentioned and are initially established for the purpose of encouraging a famous or influential person to use their fame or influence for a good cause, unfortunately, too often these campaigns quickly disintegrate into public humiliation and shaming.

Each time I see yet another blog, social media post, or hashtag campaign targeting a public figure for not doing such-and-such for “the cause” (whatever it may be at the moment), I cringe. I completely understand the need to hold people in certain positions accountable for doing their job, but I still grapple with why we believe that innocent actors, authors, athletes, and entertainers have a responsibility to do whatever we (or random activists) demand of them. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with seeing a prime opportunity for someone to use their fame for good, but what’s so wrong with utilizing kindness, compassion, and gentle words to invite them to our idea?

Islam itself, the religion that God himself requires of everyone on earth, allows believers to utilize only da’wah, an invitation, when calling others to their spiritual responsibility. Under no circumstances are we permitted to utilize humiliation, shaming, or compulsion in reminding our fellow brothers and sisters in humanity about their souls. Why then do we imagine it’s okay to utilize these methods for our own ideas and causes, especially when singling out others by name?

When did it become evidence of injustice for someone to be a prominent actor, author, athlete, or entertainer guilty of no crime except not publicizing every good deed they do? Or not doing every activity that a random activist demands of you?

We are not Allah. We don’t know the unseen. We don’t know the ins and outs of someone’s private (or even public) life. And we certainly don’t know whether or not someone is fulfilling their duties regarding any cause, perhaps far beyond how we are fulfilling our own.

So be careful, O dear “good Muslim,” whose activist label makes you imagine that you’re always on the side of good. And before you start yet another campaign publicly telling someone what they must do (or calling them out for what you think they didn’t do), consider this as if coming from the heart of every fellow human being, no matter who they are to you: #MyLifeMattersToo.

And remember, goodness and standing up against injustice exists outside the realm of your perception and limited mortal judgment. So it behooves us to take a step back and reflect on a possible reality outside our inherently narrow vantage point. We are not the Master of the Day of Judgment, nor has He tasked us with recording humans’ good and bad deeds. Thus, it’s not for us to call any innocent person to account based on even our best intentions at encouraging good.

In other words, our narcissism has no place in activism.

Because, ultimately, doing what’s good and necessary for any praiseworthy cause is about pleasing Allah, not you.

Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of the If I Should Speak trilogy. Her latest novel His Other Wife is now available. Read HIS OTHER WIFE novel now: CLICK HERE.

To learn more about the author, visit ummzakiyyah.com or subscribe to her YouTube channel. 

The post Narcissism Has No Place in Activism #MyLifeMattersToo appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

Definition of Terms

Shaykh ‘N Bake: To reverse a regular conversation into something serious, religious, or self-righteous. Characteristic of manipulative behavior. In other words, to lob a shame grenade. \’shām grə•nād\ noun – A rhetorical object hurled into a conversation to compel someone into a certain action via complete embarrassment. When detonated it makes everyone within its “shame radius” want to give up on life.

Usage

Commonly occurs online. Utilized most often by overzealous people online under the guise of “dawah” or “naseehah,” but accounts to little more than a feeble attempt at self-importance and humiliation of others. The phenomenon is not unique to the Muslim community (see: Jesus Juke), but we do have our own distinct flavor of it. The easiest way to shame grenade someone is to conflate two situations that are not mutually exclusive (or sometimes even related) in an attempt to guilt someone into a desired action. “How dare you spend $3 on coffee instead of donating $3 to my project.” Or, “how dare you watch a movie in Ramadan, you should spend that time in ibadah.” Also, “if you love Islam and want people to stop starving, share this photo on Facebook otherwise you are complicit in their oppression.” Please see video above for more detailed real life examples.

Characteristics

If I haven’t seen it, it must not exist. We sometimes confuse having Google with having access to the angels recording everything (or rather, the angels on the shoulders of whoever we want to attack). I once engaged someone in this type of discussion and asked them, “have you listened to every single lecture of theirs both online and in person to know they’ve never spoken about this topic?” And they said something along the lines of no, but it should show up when I google it. What’s ironic is the same people want you to make 70 excuses for them or their cause, but they can’t give you more than 1.5 seconds of Google. Guilty until proven innocent.  Because their cause is so important, it somehow gives them free reign to throw out accusations against people. It is okay to be rude, abrasive and offensive – because attacking people is for a greater good of clarifying the truth. And because these are scholars/speakers/activists, it is okay to assume they’re guilty first. The burden of proof and good manners are thrown in the trash in the name of the truth and the “good” of “the ummah.” And the qualifications of those shaming the speakers? Often, nothing aside from feeling entitled to throw around accusations of guilt. Polarized Us vs. Them Cult Mentality They think whatever issue they are shaming others on is a clear, unequivocal truth. And not only a truth, but a truth that trumps any other issue of concern. Therefore, if you’re not with them, you’re against them. Sound familiar? This leads them to make personal attacks against whoever they are ‘advising’ and feel it is completely justified. Priorities will always differ by context and circumstance. But you know what? Most of these people will acknowledge that point and then argue that they are the exception. Mark my words, it will probably happen in the comments section of this very article. Advice is a Duty Upon Muslims We have something in Islam called hikmah (wisdom). An example of this is Aisha saying if the prohibition of alcohol was the first commandment given, no one would have followed it. Another is the hadith mentioning that gentleness is not put into something except that it beautifies it [reference]. Even Musa [as] was told to speak to Fir’awn in a kind way. They think just because what they are saying is technically “true,” it somehow absolves them of context, good manners, and common sense. It’s kind of like being in the ER because you just had a heart attack, on the brink of death, and then kicking the Muslim physician out of the room for not having a beard. You may win the battle, but.. False Humility This is my favorite one. This is when someone feels they are right, but they know if they insist upon it, they will sound arrogant. So they put on the cloak of false humility and act like they don’t know anything and ask questions to cause fitnah. This is unbelievably common. If you have an opinion or understanding, there is a way to express it and ask a question. People do it all the time. But donning the false humility persona is usually an indicator that they’re gearing up to attack someone but want to appear polite. Part of false humility is claiming they are acting for the “good of the ummah” – as if their comment on a YouTube video will somehow save thousands of people from falsehood. It’s very much a Fox News style tactic (that was also parodied quite well by Southpark – Disclaimer: link may have some inappropriate language).   Toxic Negativity This is the worst consequence. It seems people who do this are obsessed with determining who Allah hates, why He hates them, and speaking on His behalf about it nonstop. They show up online, shout venom at everyone, and then disappear. If you went to their local masjids, most people would not even know who they were. It’s doubtful any of them have made a positive impact on anyone there. Rather, they’re usually most likely known as troublemakers (if known to anyone at all). They think they are doing good work online by somehow forbidding the evil, but all they do is alienate and drive people away from the religion. This type of negativity never results in anything positive. It doesn’t result in changed behavior on the part of the one being “advised.” It doesn’t even motivate the one “advising” to actually do something productive. A Zero-Sum Game   This is bigger than just being a characteristic of the Shaykh ‘n Bake. It’s an entire mindset. It’s the incorrect understanding that everything in life is zero sum. It is about making things mutually exclusive when they aren’t. Zero sum is something normally applied to things like money. It’s like the gas in your car, once it’s out, it’s out. But do you apply this principle to your kids? Do you have 2 kids, find out you’re expecting a 3rd and say, “You know what, that’s great but I’m just all out of love to give.” One of the ways these people operate is by convincing others that everything is zero-sum. If you comment on one tragedy, it means you’ve somehow taken away importance from another. If you make dua for one thing, it means you can’t make dua for another. This point is critical, because their entire paradigm hinges on it. They have to convince everyone that if a scholar comments about one thing, it means he is ignoring another – and therefore must be attacked. Manipulation, Bullying, and Spiritual Blackmail Yes, there is such a thing as spiritual blackmail. When someone is not able to articulate a point in an effective or persuasive manner, such that the one listening is actually affected by it – then they resort to this manipulation technique. I am right, and if you disagree with me, you’re going to hell. Forget about my own akhirah, how are YOU going to answer to Allah on the Day of Judgment when He asks you in front of all of mankind about your Facebook post?? In reality, this behavior is nothing more than good ole bullying – except under a religious guise. It’s meant to manipulate others and try gain some type of upper hand. They will never admit they are wrong. They get overly dramatic and give an exaggerated sense of importance to their issue. Life is a game for them. In fact even the religion has some game like qualities for them. It’s about proving you are right, that you’re on the winning team. It’s showing you held your ground and overcame your opponent. And in order to win, you may manipulate others.

People who cannot articulate their faults or mistakes see life as a game. They are keeping score and they intend to win. They want you to submit but have no intention of submitting themselves. Theirs is not a world where we are supposed to create intimacy and trust through grace, but a world where we are supposed to accumulate power and security by tricking the people around us (Donald Miller, The Single Defining Characteristic of a Manipulator).

All is fair when you are working for a higher purpose.

Perspective

The most important lesson I have learned is to simply block these people out. There was a time where I used to engage and debate with people on issues like this, but life is simply too short. In the end, you don’t win anything. At most, you might change someone’s mind, but even that is unlikely. The most likely consequence is that they will kill your positive energy. They will make you hate life. They will make you wish you had never opened your mouth, about anything. If these people had their way, no one would ever accomplish anything good. In their mind, unless something meets their arbitrary level of perfection, it is not worth being done. Keep doing your work. Keep driving your bus, and don’t let them get on it. Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, , said, “If you’re about to plant a tree and the Day of Judgment commences, finish what you started” (Musnad Ahmed, sahih). No matter what you work on, there will be haters. No matter what effort you make, someone will be there to criticize it. And while it may not be easy, you simply need to sniff out those trying to shame grenade you and block them out of your life. Unfriend them on Facebook, block them on Twitter, delete their contact from your phone, and don’t let them get to you. Those who complain and criticize will disappear forgotten, but in the end the good work you do will remain and insha’Allah be a legacy. Click the image below for an infographic of the video by Sketchy Muslim:

Humiliating people in the name of religion is the practice of someone deprived of the first fruit of religion, humility.

— nouman (@noumanbayyinah) August 29, 2013

“There are two types of people in this world: people who do things, and people who criticize those who do things.” — Ḥamza Yūsuf Quotes (@HamzaYusufQ) September 2, 2013

Insulting others is never a way of correcting them. Instead it causes more damage & proves that we need help ourselves. — Mufti Ismail Menk (@muftimenk) September 2, 2013

7. Haters are life’s truest losers. Do you want to end up losing everything that matters in life? Be a hater.

— umair (@umairh) September 1, 2013

Why do so many Muslims assume everything is forbidden, and look to deny and prohibit rather than encourage and inspire? — haroon moghul (@hsmoghul) August 29, 2013

2. Be a creator, not just a critic. Otherwise, you’ll always wonder.

— umair (@umairh) August 27, 2013

Do the hard work or support those doing it but dont hinder it. Some people neither do the work nor let others do it. — Mufti Ismail Menk (@muftimenk) August 23, 2013

“Shame الحياء” is a believer’s personal trait to introspect one’s own words-actions, not something to bring upon others #shamegrenade

— Nomaan Baig (@ShaykhNBaig) September 2, 2013

I’m always uneasy about the concept of “speaking truth,” as if we somehow know the truth and only have to enlighten others… — Noam Chomsky (@daily_chomsky) September 11, 2013

…who have not risen to our elevated level.

— Noam Chomsky (@daily_chomsky) September 11, 2013

When you are blessed or successful in any way, you must expect a fair share of haters. How you react to them is a part of your test. — Mufti Ismail Menk (@muftimenk) December 2, 2013

The post The Shaykh ‘N Bake Shame Grenade – A Muslim Internet Phenomenon appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

“She is not wearing hijab, tsk! tsk!”

“He is laughing with that woman who is most certainly not his wife or family member, shame!”

“How can she possibly show up here with her clothing so tight?! Scandalous!”

“I know she does not buy Zabiha so I am sure she is serving people non-halal food!”

“Does his mom see how he is behaving…where is the Islamic upbringing?  That’s what happens when you send your kid to public school!”

And the list went on and on.

Upon acknowledging the “sin” of others, I would begin to plan how I would correct them.

Then one day after becoming aware of the habit, I began to ask myself, “Why am I always looking for the wrong in others?”  Why did my natural inclination drift towards seeing the proverbial half-filled glass, looking for the “haram” in everything around me?  What purpose did this mental activity serve?

As I tried to understand my motives, I began my descent through several layers of mental awareness.  First, I excused myself by claiming I merely wanted to enjoin the good and forbid the evil.  Well, the argument went, I had to first recognize the evil in order to correct it, right?  So I sat smugly, glowing in my new found moral elitism.  Then why did I feel so guilty and ugly?

I probed deeper, asking again, why?  I came up with the wonderful excuse that I must merely hate what Allah hates. I would witness other’s “IstaghfirAllah” actions, causing my blood to boil, until I felt the impulse to walk over and let the perpetrator have a piece of my mind.  So why did I stop myself from attacking?

My self awareness plunged deeper.  I began to think of my reaction when I had been attacked by self-righteous “enjoiners of the good”.  At first I would become embarrassed and question the fallacy of my actions.  Then I would realize that the method in which I was advised angered me and made me want to strike back.   Finally I would conclude that it really had nothing to do with me and more to do with the ego and insecurity of the attacker.

So was I guilty of the same thing?  I tended to think of myself as self-confident and secure, yet some recent experiences had shown me otherwise.  I had attended an Islamic class in which the instructor kept asking the class questions.  Each time I would answer out loud, sure of my knowledge.  And almost every time I was wrong.  It infuriated and embarrassed me.  I was overtaken by a strong desire to prove my correctness.

Another time I was leading a weekly halaqa.  Over time, I began to enjoy the respect I received from many of the new Muslims in the class.  Then one day a couple of Arab ladies sat in.  They spent the entire time overshadowing my talk by attempting to give the lecture themselves.   Then one recited a Quranic Ayah in Arabic and looked to me to translate, of which I could not do.  It was very embarrassing, and I feared it ruined the credibility I had in front of the regular attendees.  My anger raged and my wrath turned towards the Arab women.  I felt the need to show them up as they had done to me.  Alhumdulilah, I held my tongue.

From these and other experiences, I realized that my desire to put others down in order to lift myself up seemed just as strong as with those who enjoyed striking me down.

Alas, I began to understand the ugly inner nafs, the self-preserving nafs that will do just about anything to protect itself unless forcibly regulated.  The nafs that wants to justify itself and refuse change at all cost.

As my mind achieved this level of self awareness and was faced with the ugliness of my thoughts, my immediate tendency was to deny or excuse my findings, quickly crawl out of the depths of the inner pit, and continue along the same incorrect path.  But that was not my purpose, not the reason I began the exercise.  So I forced myself to face the conclusions and deal with them.

After accepting my flaws and subverting my ego, I began to derive a formula for changing my inner thinking.

I knew that I loved my brothers and sisters in Islam and truly wanted the best for all of them. I also realized from my own experiences of being corrected in a harsh, public, condescending way that this manner of “advising” is rarely accepted and pushes the person into another spiral of sin (backbiting against the attacker, mental lists of all of the sins of the attacker, and possibly a verbal backlash).

I had to determine how to change my thinking and natural response system to see the good and positive in my fellow Muslims, rather than immediately seeing their so called shortcomings. I wanted to force myself to look inward rather than outward for flaws and weaknesses. I also needed to find ways to be motivational, affecting positive change in the community, rather than coming off as ill-mannered, degrading, or unapproachable.

So I committed myself to practicing the following steps each time the habit began to boil up from deep inside:

1.  Say something nice.

I would force myself to walk over to the unknowing target and immediately praise them for something good I found in them.  This challenged me to see the positives in each person and vocalize them.  It also increased the love between us.

2. Walk in their shoes.

I would recall the past times in my life, prior to committing myself to the study and application of Islam, when I was in that person’s shoes, following a culture-based Islam that I inherited from my parents rather than from the authentic sources.  I remembered the split personality I had growing up, acting one way with the Muslims, and another with my friends.  I would realize that just as my Islamic knowledge is limited, so is theirs, and that many people follow their best understanding without purposely doing the wrong.  I also recalled the many times I sought to correct someone only to find out I was the one with incorrect knowledge.  This led to a true sense of humility, and I would thank Allah for opening my eyes to the truth and giving me even a small taste of the sweetness of Iman. Then I would make duaa for the person.

3. Remember what works for me.

I would remind myself that it was the people in my life who practiced Islam in a consistent, welcoming, non-judgmental way that opened the door for me to ask questions, accept the answers, and evoke change in my life.  This challenged me to be patient and further work on myself in an effort to be that example for others.

The key to truly changing my thinking was when I finally understood that the point of correcting others was supposed to be to help them change to the good.  When this was done in an unsolicited way by someone who had not taken the time to get to know the person or their particular circumstances and to gain their trust and respect, it usually did the opposite.  It upset the person and made them think ill of me and all others who they began to consider “extreme”.  They assumed I was constantly judging them and mentally criticizing everything they did.  They avoided my company, and their heart closed to anything positive I did or said.  Rather than enjoin them to the good, I had turned them totally away.

Although I still have my “negative” days, I have committed to trying to hold my tongue from giving unwanted advice. Instead, I am deliberate in creating an environment where people ask and push to be corrected.  I realize that this is exactly how I best improve; by asking those more knowledgeable than me who never make me feel inferior for asking, and do not have expectations of me after they reply to my inquiries.

As a result, I have learned to become more oblivious and simply stop caring about what everyone else is doing or not doing.  I now see each individual as a work in progress, including myself.  Just because I happen upon a person at a singular point in their journey does not mean they have stopped progressing nor are they waiting for my unwelcome intervention.  If they ask me to join them on their path, I will do so insofar as I am able, or I simply refer them to someone who can.

The reactions from those around me prove that when I show, through beautiful manners and actions, that Allah’s Way is the way that leads to inner and outer peace, I no longer have to shove people, kicking and screaming, to that Way.  Instead, they flock to it.

The post 3 Things To Do When You Start You Mentally Start Judging People appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.