For Muslim women, this change can feel even more complex, entwined with cultural expectations, spiritual practices, and evolving family dynamics. While medical resources are rightly covered by our Muslim physician colleagues, this article explores the emotional and relational dimensions of peri- and post-menopause. It considers how these phases can shape marriage, parenting, and identity, and how Muslim women can navigate them with faith, support, and grace.

Understanding the Emotional Landscape

Menopause is not only a biological milestone. It is also an emotional terrain shifting under your feet. Hormonal fluctuations may bring:

• Mood swings and irritability. Sudden changes in serotonin levels can lead to emotional volatility.
• Anxiety or low-grade depression. Anxiety may arise from changes in the body or identity. Some women experience a quieter, deep sadness as menopause approaches.
• A sense of loss or dislocation. Fertility and youth are tied deeply to self-image and societal roles. The loss of natural cycles can stir grief or existential questions.
• Relief or liberation. No longer facing menstrual cycles or contraception concerns, some women describe a freeing sense of autonomy.

From an Islamic perspective, recognizing these emotions as valid, even while striving to maintain patience, can be healing. The Prophet ﷺ said:

“No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.” [Bukhari and Muslim]

Women may also draw comfort from the lives of those closest to the Prophet ﷺ. Sayyidah Khadījah , for example, was a mature woman whose wisdom and dignity were deeply honored. The Prophet ﷺ remembered her long after her passing, saying:

“She believed in me when the people disbelieved, she trusted me when the people belied me, she shared her wealth with me when the people deprived me, and Allah blessed me with children from her and not from any other wife.” [Musnad Ahmad]

Her life demonstrates that maturity is not a loss but a stage marked by depth, contribution, and honor in the sight of Allah and His Messenger ﷺ.

Impact on the Marital Relationship

Menopause can subtly or dramatically shift the marital dynamic. The following highlights some of the how:

Intimacy and Libido

Changing oestrogen levels may decrease vaginal lubrication and arousal. For some, libido diminishes. This can cause:

• Discomfort or pain during intercourse, leading to avoidance or withdrawal.
• Hurt feelings, if either spouse misinterprets distance as rejection.
• Renewed opportunities, if couples communicate openly and explore alternative forms of closeness, such as affection, cuddling, conversation, and supportive touch.

The Prophet ﷺ reminded husbands and wives of their responsibility to one another:

“The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [Tirmidhi]

This ḥadīth points to compassion and attentiveness as the norm for marital life. Together with the Qur’ānic ethic “live with them in kindness” [Surah An-Nisa; 4:19] and “you are garments for one another” [Surah Al-Baqarah; 2:187], it frames intimacy as a place for mercy, not pressure. In practice, couples can:

Menopause can subtly or dramatically shift the marital dynamic.[PC: David Dvořáček (unsplash)]

• Talk early and kindly. Use “I” statements about sensations and emotions (“I feel soreness / I’m worried I’ll disappoint you”) and agree on a shared plan for closeness during this phase.
• Prioritise consent and avoid harm (lā ḍarar wa lā ḍirār). If penetration is painful, pause. Explore solutions rather than pushing through pain.
• Broaden the meaning of intimacy. Affectionate touch, cuddling, massage, shared baths, and non-penetrative pleasure can maintain connection when penetration is difficult. Many couples also benefit from longer warm-up/foreplay, comfortable positions, adequate privacy and time, and lubricants (checking ingredients if that matters to you).
• Time it wisely. Choose symptom-lighter times of day; fatigue, hot flushes, or joint pain often fluctuate.
• Address the physical. A clinical check-in for urogenital symptoms, pelvic floor physio, sleep support, or treatment for dryness can make intimacy easier, and caring for health supports marital rights.
• Hold the fiqh balance. Spousal intimacy is important in fiqh, yet scholars also emphasize kindness, mutual satisfaction, and the prohibition of harm. Temporary adjustments or even pauses are recognised where there is credible hardship or illness, especially by mutual agreement. Rights are not a licence to coerce; they are a call to iḥsān (beautiful conduct).
• Reassure and repair. If an attempt is difficult, offer comfort, make duʿāʾ together, and try again another time rather than letting shame or resentment grow.
• Seek wise support. A faith-literate counsellor can help couples negotiate expectations, communication, and practical adaptations.

Menopause aware intimacy honors both fiqh’s regard for spousal rights and the Prophetic standard of gentleness, protecting wellbeing while keeping connection alive.

Role Shifts

Menopause may coincide with children entering adulthood, career changes, or a newfound quiet in the household. This may lead to a re-evaluation of marital roles. Some women flourish with more time for personal projects, worship, or deepening the spousal bond. Others feel unmoored without the familiar structure of motherhood. Husbands and wives benefit from acknowledging this inward journey and renegotiating roles with love and respect, guided by the Prophetic ideal of mutual support and kindness.

Parenting Through the Transition

For many Muslim women, parenting is a core identity. As menopause unfolds, children may be grown or nearing independence. This stage can feel like:

• Empty nest syndrome, an ache for purpose or belonging.
• Emotional tug as the mother, wanting to remain central in children’s lives while they claim their own time, space, boundaries, and identity, choosing how they live, what they believe, where they make home, whom they befriend or marry, and how they prioritize work, faith, and family.
• Opportunity for mentorship, duʿā, and building deeper, more balanced relationships, based on guidance rather than caretaking: checking in regularly without hovering, asking permission before offering advice, listening more than directing, making duʿāʾ by name for their needs, sharing skills or experience when invited, celebrating their independent decisions, agreeing healthy boundaries and rhythms of contact, and being available for practical help when requested.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“When a person dies, all his deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge, or a righteous child who prays for him.” [Muslim]

As the family evolves, women may take comfort that their nurturing role continues through du‘a and guidance, even when the daily intensity of parenting diminishes. The Qur’ān also reminds us of the honour due to mothers:

“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.” [Surah Luqman; 31:14]

Community, Sisterhood, and Spiritual Identity

Menopause can feel like an invisible transition, often silent and rarely acknowledged within many Muslim communities. Yet opening dialogue can be transformative:

Menopause can feel like an invisible transition, but having peer support circles can help overcome isolation. [PC: Vonecia Carswell (unsplash)]

• Peer support circles, whether informal or virtual, allow sharing experiences of sleep troubles, mood changes, gratitude for newfound calm, and laughter about hot flushes.
• Imams or women’s counsellors knowledgeable in fiqh and women’s health can foster safe spaces to ask, “Is it permissible to pray when I am drenched in sweat? How do I manage fasting with hot flushes at suhoor?”
• Spiritual leadership repurposes this life stage. Older women can shape younger generations with wisdom, du‘a, and steadiness.

The Qur’ān itself honors the voice and concerns of women. When Khawlah bint Tha‘labah brought her distress to the Prophet ﷺ about her husband, Allah revealed:

“Indeed Allah has heard the statement of she who argues with you [O Muhammad] concerning her husband and directs her complaint to Allah. And Allah hears your dialogue; indeed, Allah is Hearing and Seeing.” [Surah Al-Mujādilah; 58:1]

This verse is a powerful reminder that women’s lived realities matter deeply in the sight of Allah .

The Prophet ﷺ also said:

“The best among you are those who learn the Qur’ān and teach it.” [Bukhari]

This opens the door for mature women to embrace teaching, mentoring, and guiding, drawing on their life experience to benefit the next generation.

Practical Strategies for Muslim Women

Here are some tangible ways to navigate this stage with resilience:

1. Educate yourself. Learn about symptoms, treatments, and self-care strategies, including diet, hydration, exercise, and sleep hygiene.
2. Open dialogue with your spouse. Frame conversations around feelings, not blame. Small shifts in communication can yield deep compassion.
3. Connect with sisterhood. Sharing breaks isolation.
4. Prioritize self-care and spiritual rhythm. Ensure you can observe prayer comfortably, even through sleepless nights. Some women turn insomnia into time for tahajjud, drawing strength from night worship. The Prophet ﷺ said: “The most beloved prayer to Allah after the obligatory prayers is the night prayer.” [Muslim]
5. Seek Islamic-medical guidance. Engage professionals who understand both health and faith. There are a number of Muslimah womb health and/or perimenopause experts and advocates online, such as Honored Womb, Fit Muslimah, and Barakah’s Womb.
6. Reimagine purpose. Let menopause be the prologue to new journeys such as mentoring, studying Qur’ān, or serving the community.

When to Seek Help

While mood changes and emotional shifts are normal, professional help is important if you experience:

• Persistent sadness or hopelessness that doesn’t lift.
• Severe anxiety, panic attacks, or escalating worry.
• Rage flashes – sudden, intense anger or outbursts that feel out of control, lead to verbal or physical aggression, or create fear/ongoing harm at home.
• Relationship breakdowns that feel stuck or irresolvable.
• Physical symptoms (e.g., sleep disturbance, pain, hot flushes) that significantly impact daily life.

Seeking help, whether medical or therapeutic, is not a deviation from tawakkul (trust in Allah ). It is a sign of wisdom and self-compassion.

Menopause is more than biological. It is a spiritual, relational, and emotional terrain that beckons Muslim women toward new chapters. It may stir grief or liberation, distance or newfound intimacy. It challenges identity and nurtures wisdom.

Within a faith that honors the dignity of every phase, menopause becomes an opportunity. By drawing on sisterhood, honest dialogue, renewal practices, spirituality, and faith-affirmed support, Muslim women can move through this shift with grace, finding in themselves new light, new connection, and renewed purpose.

Related:

– Purification Of The Self: A Journey That Begins From The Outside-In

– The Fiqh Of Vaginal Discharge: Pure or Impure?

The post The Muslim Woman And Menopause: Navigating The ‘Invisible’ Transition With Faith And Grace appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

As Muslims further their careers, personal relationships, and education of a secular or sacred nature, khalwa (seclusion) is front of mind for both brothers and sisters. While many may not be aware of the exact ḥadīth, we know that our beloved Prophet ﷺ advised us to avoid khalwa.

And what did he say?

In a narration related to us by Ibn ʿAbbas (may Allah ﷻ be pleased with them both), the Messenger ﷺ stated: “No man should remain with a woman in khalwa except in the presence of a maḥram (nonmarriageable person).”¹

But what counts as seclusion? Is a text message between a male and female student khalwa? Should a man and a woman getting to know one another for the purpose of marriage have their entire extended families present at their conversations? Are two colleagues of opposite genders forbidden from sitting next to one another, sending emails, or having meetings without the whole team brought in?

These are all valid concerns. In matrimonial affairs, some parents hesitate to allow their children to partake in private phone or video calls between their children and unfamiliar bachelors or bachelorettes. Many talented Muslims feel uncomfortable applying to mixed workplaces where they must communicate with the opposite gender, often wondering if it is ḥalāl. Others restrain their activities in educational institutions to classes, citing organizations with male and female involvement as a slippery slope.

This article will aim to dispel discomfort around these three areas using the Qur’an, Sunnah, and fatāwā of learned scholars, and provide suggestions for each.

Establishing Khalwa

In a purely linguistic sense, khalwa (خلوة) is a word that means “seclusion.” But it also has a spiritual meaning—one can practice khalwa with Allah ﷻ. When the Prophet ﷺ retreated to Cave Ḥiraʾ, this could be understood as a form of khalwa. Musa practiced khalwa away from his community in prayer and fasting, and even Mary, the mother of Jesus (peace be upon them both), secluded herself in worship.² And all of us aspire to practice iʿtikāf in Ramadan; to totally isolate ourselves from the dunya to focus on our dīn. Naturally, this would be a beneficial kind of khalwa that a Muslim engages in.

[PC: Hasan Almasi (unsplash)]

There is no disagreement that complete isolation between two people can cause temptation in one or both parties, and also leads to a threat in their physical safeties and inner spiritualities. Even Yusuf faced this horrifying trial when the wife of the governor sought to seduce him. She had locked the doors and separated the two of them from her husband and household. The altercation even ended with his shirt being torn away as she rushed to prevent him from the door.

And she, in whose house he was, sought to seduce him. She closed the doors and said, “Come, you.” He said, “[I seek] the refuge of Allah . Indeed, he is my master, who has made good my residence. Indeed, wrongdoers will not succeed.” [Surah Yusuf: 12;23]

This terrifying incident of sexual assault is, unfortunately, all too common in today’s climate. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reported unsettling statistics in 2025. A few are:

• Over 53% of women and over 29% of men reported experiencing contact sexual violence
• More than 1 and 4 non-Hispanic Black women (29%) in the United States were raped in their lifetime
• 1 in 3 Hispanic women (34.8%) reported unwanted sexual contact in their lifetime
• More than 4 in 5 American Indian and Alaska Native women (84.3%) have experienced violence in their lifetime
• 32.9% of adults with intellectual disabilities have experienced sexual violence

This is not to suggest that the prevention of khalwa is a complete solution to abhorrent crimes like sexual assault. Rape culture provides an avenue for the perpetrator to be excused for being “tempted,” and the victim/survivor to be blamed for not “taking every precaution.” As a society, we cannot use the prohibition of khalwa as a band-aid to these egregious incidents; rather, it is one way that we can limit them from happening. As in all things, we turn to the sunnah for an understanding of how we are to conduct ourselves—even when it comes to a sexual assault in our community. We center the survivor and punish the perpetrator.

“When a woman went out in the time of the Prophet for prayer, a man attacked her and assaulted her. She shouted and he went off, and when a man came by, she said, ‘That man did such and such to me.’ And when a company of the Muḥājirīn (emigrants) came by, she said, ‘That man did such and such to me.’ They went and seized the man whom they thought had assaulted her and brought him to her. She (mistakenly) said, ‘Yes, this is him.’ Then they brought him to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ. When he ﷺ was about to pass a sentence, the man who had actually assaulted her stood up and said, ‘Messenger of Allah, I am the man who did it to her.’ The Prophet ﷺ said to her, ‘Go, for Allah ﷻ has forgiven you (due to the mistaken confession).’ But he told the (mistakenly accused) man some good words, and of the man who had assaulted her, he said, ‘Stone him to death.’ He ﷺ also said, ‘He has repented to such an extent that if the people of Medina had repented similarly, it would have been accepted from them.’”⁸

[Note: when a rape occurred in the life of the Prophet ﷺ, he did not even ask the survivor whether she had been in isolation with him, but simply who he was. Then, he commanded the punishment be towards the perpetrator, and no blame be set on the survivor.]

Similarly, the male muḥājirīn acted swiftly on the accusation from the assaulted lady to seize whom they believed was the rapist, and brought him for swift judgement in front of the Prophet ﷺ. Madinah al-Munawwarah, the truly prophetic community, took a stand against rape culture. The Prophet ﷺ had also enforced the ḥadd punishment on the man who committed the crime, publicly—and what a comfort it must have been for someone who suffered something so severe. Furthermore, there was no victim-blaming, as well as no advice for her to abstain from khalwa—it was irrelevant in this case, as the man forced himself upon her in a public pathway.

So what constitutes khalwa? We see from the Prophet ﷺ’s original admonition that for khalwa to be established, the following conditions must be met:

• only one man and only one woman
• are bāligh (have reached physical maturity)
• are non-maḥram to one another
• are in a physical space totally isolated from others
• are completely unable to be seen, heard, or entered upon by others

It is important to note that the aforementioned conditions are relatively the same for a married couple (except, of course, that they would be maḥram). The other differences are:

• the mahr (marriage gift) has been paid (in full according to some madhāhib)
• the nikkaḥ contract is valid with no contradictions
• there are no physical ailments or illnesses preventing intercourse
• there are no sharʿi restrictions; such as iḥram, ḥayḍ, or nifās⁹

Thus, khalwa does not constitute actual intercourse, it is the potential for intercourse. Some scholars, however, even consider khalwa and consummation of a marriage to have the same legal implications for a couple, even if no intercourse happened. A widow who did not consummate her marriage, but lived in a separate house with her husband, would still observe an ‘idda (waiting period).

Exceptions and Suggestions

We must be careful not to categorize every interaction between a man and a woman as khalwa based on our limited perception. Some argue that khalwa is a type of ikhtilāṭ, or “intermixing.” While both are forbidden, ikhtilāṭ has ranges of acceptability. Consider the following ḥadīth: “Let no man from now on visit a woman whose husband is absent, except when he has with him one or two (other) men.”¹⁰

Here, the Prophet ﷺ has placed an exception to the original rule of a man and woman being alone together. If another party is present or privy to the interaction between a man and a woman, it cannot be legally considered khalwa.

In the West, most men and women must study in mixed classrooms and work alongside both genders. The advent of the Internet has also brought a plethora of mobile applications to seek companionship. But the lines aren’t necessarily blurred—we can still apply those same principles from before.

In any of these situations, keep renewing your intention if necessary to speak with someone of the opposite gender. Ensure that your conversations are purposeful. Lower your gaze and dress modestly.

In Educational Settings

In an educational setting, reach out only if there is an absolute need (ḍarūrah). If you can communicate with a TA or classmate who is of the same gender (or all of you are in a group chat), it is best to do so. If an in-person meeting is necessary for group work, then offer to study in a public space, like a library, to lower the risk of harm to either party. Many Islamic schools, seminaries, and conferences will also place a partition between the two sides, just as mosques build separate entrances. Some also choose to further their studies in an online-only or a gender-segregated setting, and if the programs are suitably comparable, this can be best.

In Professional Settings

In a professional workplace, keep communication direct, straightforward, and respectful. Meetings can be held in conference rooms with glass windows, where all colleagues can view the interaction behind the doors. A Māliki opinion even states that if there is no fear of fitna, a lady may eat with a non-maḥram. We might use this opinion to allow for a company lunch or a work meeting at a coffee shop, where others are present. Generally speaking, it is wise not to communicate after work hours unless there is ḍarūrah.

In Matrimonial Settings

If the two decide to meet (for the purpose of marriage), they can do so in a busy restaurant, an occupied museum, or on any other public avenue where they can be seen by others.v[PC: Yasara Hansani (unsplash)]

In the Digital Space

Interacting with scholars, fellow colleagues, classmates, professionals, activists, and others is now easier than ever. At the click of a button, one may get access to someone’s digital diary, their family, and even their appearances.

Again, think of the ultimatum: a hājjah, or a need. Is it necessary to follow this person, especially if they only post photos of themselves? Is it necessary to comment and like on those posts? When privately messaging them, is it with a concern that is beneficial to you and them? Are you engaging in purposeful or idle chatter?

We ask Allah ﷻ to make us people of upstanding character and righteous behavior, who follow His divine words and His Messenger’s words ﷺ without question, and all those who strive to interpret them for His sake.

Related:

– Blurred Lines: Women, “Celebrity” Shaykhs, and Spiritual Abuse

– Podcast: Sex, Marriage, and Mutual Obligations in Islam | Ustadh Mukhtar Ba

The post The Perspective of Khalwa from the Quran and Sunnah: Advice For Modern Day Interactions appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

The deal — which closed in late 2023 and was only recently made public in an earnings report — is igniting calls to boycott the app, which has well over six million users. The original app — which was originally customized for the Muslim market — was also replaced with a generic dating app that is similar to the company’s platforms for Black and Latino communities.

Match Group, a Dallas-based company with a huge portfolio of data app services like Hinge, OkCupid, and Tinder, is led by Spencer Rascoff, a former board member of Palantir, a surveillance firm that has strong ties to Israeli intelligence and the US military surveillance industry. In a LinkedIn post that has since been deleted, Rascoff publicly proclaimed his support for Israeli soldiers fighting in Gaza in 2023. He wrote he was proud to support a “campaign to help cover rent bills for Israeli soldiers fighting overseas.”

Last year, Elliot Management, an investing firm led by pro-Israel billionaire Paul Singer, took a $1 billion stake in the online dating company. Singer is a major Israeli donor who has helped fund the Philos Project, a pro-Israeli lobbying group, Startup National Central, a Tel Aviv-based NGO that counters the BDS movement and supports Israeli military technology, among other donation streams.

In a recent earnings call, Gary Swidler, the company’s President and Chief Financial Officer, said that the company’s acquisition of companies that cater to smaller demographics has helped offset the company’s decline from its evergreen brands.

“We’ve seen really good growth in that business,” Swidler said. “We’ve expanded its revenues by about 50 percent since we made the acquisition.”

Salams plans to integrate its user data to Match’s shared technology platform by the end of the year, according to a recent earnings report by Match Group. It’s unclear what will happen to user data with the acquisition. Technology entrepreneurs Adeel Raza and Haroon Mokhtarzada first launched the app as Minder in 2015.

Not the First Time

This is not the first time Match Group has attempted to poach the Muslim market.

Shahzad Younas, founder and CEO of Muzz, another popular matchmaking app, said that Match Group attempted to buy Muzz four times, offering up to $35 million.

“I’ve said publicly on record numerous times – there is NO sum at all that I would accept from MG for Muzz – on principle I cannot allow us to be sold to a company which in my opinion acts in a highly unethical fashion,” Younas wrote in a statement to MuslimMatters.

Younas said that Match Group sued Muzz four times in the United States and the United Kingdom.

“This was all an attempt to intimidate us.  They asked us to sign a coexistence agreement with terms stating they would leave us alone as long as we never sold to a competitor of MG. We said no,” Younas said.

Muzz — formerly known as Muzmatch — rebranded itself after losing a trademark infringement lawsuit in UK patent courts in 2022.

However, Younas noted that Match Group effectively holds a monopoly over dating apps, making the company the only “real buyer” in town, he said.

Users in the Dark

Salams does plan to integrate user data with other platforms owned by Match by the end of the year. It’s unclear if users will have the chance to opt out of data migration services.

After using the app for almost three years, Amro Abdulwahid, a DC-area resident, said she’s deeply shocked and disappointed by the news.

“This isn’t just a business decision, it’s a violation of trust. Our data, our intentions for marriage, our conversations, and our hopes for halal love should never have become a commodity for someone who stands against the very people the app was meant to uplift,” Abdulwahid told MuslimMatters.

Like others, she has deleted her Salams account and wants the company to come clean on where user data will go.

In recent years, investigations have found that the US military bought location data from popular muslim apps like Muslim Pro. Last year, Tinder was used by the U.S. military to target Hezbollah in Lebanon.

Since news broke of the acquisition, the company’s web platforms have also gone dark. Questions about user data still remain unanswered.

—-

Salams has not returned the multiple requests for comment from MuslimMatters. This article will be updated if we hear back from the company.

Related:

– 3 Steps To Safely Prepare For Your Halal Marriage – As Simple As ABC

– Getting to Know A Potential Husband/Wife? 3 Questions To Ask Yourself First.

The post Pro-Israeli Dating Company Quietly Buys Out Popular Muslim Marriage App appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

Ramadan brings many special joys for children, one of which being the opportunity to stay late nights, or overnight at the masjid. The special challenge for parents though, is ensuring the safety of our children as we spend hours longer in closely packed public spaces with unfamiliar people in the masjid.

We cannot be naïve and assume that child sexual abuse could never happen in a masjid or in the month of Ramadan. Recently, in Kuala Lumpur a man snuck into the woman’s prayer area and grabbed a girl, allegedly assaulting her while other women were praying. Last year in Pakistan, a 13-year-old boy was in i’tikaaf during Ramadan, when a man allegedly raped him. The overnight environment and the extended, unsupervised contact between adults and children create a risk for abuse. It is essential that we recognize this possibility before the tragedy of abuse has already occurred.

Whether your children are staying for i’tikaaf, attending an overnight program, or just being present in the masjid during taraweeh prayers, there are things that every parent needs to be mindful of.

For Ramadan and the Masjid in General

 – Stay Visible: For younger children, the preference should be to stay within visual range of a parent at all times unless they have express permission. When permission is given, provide a bracket of time for the children to return as well. For example, you may allow your child to head to the restroom or kitchen area on their own, but let them know that if they aren’t back in ten minutes, you will come and check on them.

If children are to go outside to play, make sure it is only in areas where other children and adults are and where security or volunteers are keeping an eye on them 

 – Stay Together:  It’s natural for kids to wander or go to the back of the masjid, and it may not be realistic to keep them in view while also doing salat. However, parents should be strict to ensure their children stay within their respective side of the masjid, or if they do go play it must not be alone. During taraweeh and qiyam, many adults are not performing salaat and are also outside, and frankly, older kids or even peers can be perpetrators of abuse. 

Stay Aware: Long rakats, parental distractions, and the opportunity for repeated contact over the nights of Ramadan can give the ill-intentioned an opportunity for horrendous actions. Both parents and children need to be aware that these actions can come from either adults or other children and young adults. As always, children must be told to tell their parents if anything uncomfortable is happening. 

For I’tikaaf

“If a child is attending i’tikaaf, he or she should only be accompanied by direct relatives of their same gender.”

Itikaaf is a sunnah and one of the special acts of worship in Ramadan. It offers a transformative experience where one can focus purely on worship, spending ten days inside the masjid.

While i’tikaaf is a beneficial practice for both children and adults, we must be aware of the potential risks, particularly when it comes to the safety of our young ones.

Itikaaf is open to everyone, and masajid at this time have more people than usual, with individuals staying together all night. People socialize during i’tikaf, and strangers may start ad-hoc halaqas for the youth and get to know them. While we shouldn’t assume the worst in their intentions, the fact is that in this environment, a predator can find someone more receptive to their advances, start sleeping next to them, and begin inappropriate behavior.

Masjids would do well to post guidelines and require a certain distance between bedding areas. Additionally, if there are classrooms, office rooms, or similar areas in the masjid, staff should ensure they are locked. If a masjid opens itself for i’tikaaf it must also take the necessary steps to ensure the safety of those coming for i’tikaaf.

I’tikaaf Safety for Children

If a child is attending i’tikaaf, he or she should only be accompanied by direct relatives of their same gender. Even if there are other trusted adults whom the parents know well, a child’s only companions for i’tikaaf should be immediate family. This helps establish clear boundaries for the child, reinforcing an understanding of what is appropriate in terms of closeness, and it makes clear who the child’s protectors are. Masjids should also stipulate this. This will be very impactful in preventing abuse.

I’tikaaf Safety for Unaccompanied Teens

“Masjids that permit young teenagers to participate in itikaaf should keep a watchful eye on them.”

For young adolescents, parents should carefully assess whether their child is ready to attend i’tikaaf without other trusted and responsible friends or community members. Although this age group may seem ready, the reality is that they often aren’t.

If your child is more impressionable or lacks assertiveness, then they can be targeted for entrapment attempts or harassment. Parents should remind them of the possibility of inappropriate behavior even in the masjid during Ramadan. Masjids that permit young teenagers to participate in i’tikaaf should keep a watchful eye on them. Two teenagers should never be allowed to share a tent, as this could create a situation where inappropriate behavior goes unnoticed.

Peers, or those slightly senior, can influence juveniles to engage in illicit actions, or even sexually abuse them. They can be the ones to introduce pornography and test one’s openness to homosexual acts. Frequency of contact, late night hours or sleeping over, and lack of supervision make even i’tikaaf a possibility for these actions, and we cannot be naive about this!

I’tikaaf for Women & Families

Some masjids allow all-night stays for families or i’tikaaf for women as well. The same safety measures should apply with additional security measures. Even if women are not staying the night, extended night-time hours in the masjid warrant extra precaution and protection. We have to take security seriously, especially for women and children. If a masjid does allow for children or unaccompanied women to do i’tikaaf it must also take appropriate security measures.  The women’s prayer areas should be clearly designated and separated from the men’s areas to maintain privacy and ensure a secure environment.

By implementing these precautions and maintaining vigilance, we can ensure that i’tikaaf remains a spiritually enriching and safe experience for everyone involved.

Related:

– From The Playbook Of A Child Predator: What Muslim Parents Need To Know

– Safeguarding Children In Today’s World: An Islamic Perspective On Child Sexual Abuse Prevention And Protection

The post I’tikaaf, Ramadan Nights, And Children’s Safety: A Call For Vigilance And Protection appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

All praise is due to Allah, the Just, the all-Hearing, the Ever-Watchful, and peace and blessings be upon our beloved Messenger Muhammad ﷺ and his blessed family and companions.

The following is a paper formally written by the Female Scholars Network, a group of over 100 female Islamic scholars, teachers, and daa’iyyas across Canada, the United States of America, the United Kingdom, Australia, Malaysia and elsewhere around the world.

We condemn the ongoing issue of abuse within religious spaces, which has permeated all communities for far too long. We also stand firmly in support of victims of all forms of abuse in their quest for justice and truth, and in awe of their strength and courage as they go through the painful journey of healing and recovery.

As Muslims, we aspire to be grounded in a foundation of taqwa, knowing that Allah will hold us all to account for how we choose to behave in the face of this evil. We are also grounded in a foundation of justice against dhulm (oppression)^{1 2}; which includes holding one another to account. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ reminded us that “A believer is the mirror of his brother. When he sees a fault in it, he should correct it.”³ 

Most importantly, we are grounded in the knowledge that we must take account of ourselves before we are collectively held accountable on the Day of Judgement, and that those of us in positions of leadership will be questioned about our leadership.⁴

While abuse is a universal human problem not specific to any race, religion, or culture, as Muslims we have a religious obligation to look within our ummah and to “command the good and forbid evil.”⁵ As a Muslim community, it is our sacred duty to protect the vulnerable, offer support to the victims, and ensure that they receive care, compassion, and justice. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

مَنْ رَأَى مِنْكُمْ مُنْكَرًا فَلْيُغَيِّرْهُ بِيَدِهِ فَإِنْ لَمْ يَسْتَطِعْ فَبِلِسَانِهِ فَإِنْ لَمْ يَسْتَطِعْ فَبِقَلْبِهِ وَذَلِكَ أَضْعَفُ الْإِيمَانِ

“Whoever among you sees an injustice, let him change it with his hand; if he is unable to do so, then with his tongue; if he is unable to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest level of faith“ [Sahih Muslim].

The principles and objectives of Islamic law (maqasid ash-shari’ah) guide us to speak out against harm and to prevent it where possible: 

• Maxim: La darara wa la diraar (No harm should be inflicted nor reciprocated).⁶
• Maxim: Dar’ al mafasid muqaddam ‘ala jalb al masalih (Prevention of harm is given precedence over pursuing benefit).⁷

Additionally, we wish to remind the community that addressing spiritual abuse is not a “women’s issue” or a way to attack men; rather, victims of abuse include boys and men, and perpetrators include women. In this matter, as in all matters, we remember Allah’s words: {The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong…} (Qur’an 9:71)

We must thus stand with those who have been wronged, provide them with a safe space for healing, and work together to prevent further harm. Our obligation goes beyond speaking out against abuse; we must provide resources and support to help navigate a path to healing, and work to prevent future abuse at a grassroots level.

It is in this spirit that we write this paper.

What Is Spiritual Abuse?

Spiritual abuse refers to the misuse of religious knowledge, authority, or position to control, manipulate, or harm individuals or groups.⁸ It involves exploiting religious influence to dominate others, often leading to emotional, psychological, physical, financial, or even sexual harm.⁹ Such abuse undermines the victim’s autonomy, manipulates their faith, and maintains control, either using religious beliefs or by simply exploiting the power dynamics within the relationship. Whether through emotional, financial, physical, or sexual exploitation, this form of abuse operates by eroding trust, distorting religious teachings, and isolating the victim from sources of support. Whilst we are aware that the term ‘spiritual abuse’ may be used with different intended meanings, the definition above is widely accepted by professionals in the field and will be our intended meaning when using the term henceforth. 

Spiritual abuse not only harms the well-being of individuals but can also severely impact a person’s relationship with Allah, their faith, and their future.¹⁰ The most significant and distinct harm created by spiritual abuse is that the perpetrator explicitly or implicitly places themselves in the position of Allahﷻ or as an intermediary to Him within the life of another person, thereby distorting the victim’s relationship with their faith altogether. Therefore, the heinousness of this crime cannot be overstated.

The consequences of spiritual abuse in our families, our communities, and our societies at large are simply too grave to ignore.¹¹ Spiritual abuse is not a matter of one-off scandals we hear about within the larger Muslim community, but a chronic, festering disease that harms everyone. Criminal actions such as grooming, sexual assault of women, and child sexual abuse must be investigated to  identify factors that enable the abuse, with an eye toward building strategies for prevention.

The Fallibility of Scholars

The most important principle of our deen is that of tawheed. One of the main objectives of Islam was to eradicate intermediaries between people and God. The Makkans had several idols as intermediaries, while the Christians, through the practice of confession, turned to their priests and popes as intermediaries between them and God. They also held the belief that some figures were infallible. Islam eradicated this ideology of intermediaries to allow each individual to have a personal and individual relationship with Allah, with no need for any priest or idol to pray on their behalf. 

Scholars and righteous people are an integral part of our deen; many assist people on their journey to Allah, offering crucial insight and naseeha (advice). Respect for our scholars, righteous people, and elders is a part of our tradition, and having access to scholars to assist a person on their journey to Allah is a great blessing. This respect, however, is not without its limits, and there should be absolutely no adherence to the words of a scholar where he or she contradicts the guidelines given by Allah and His Messenger ﷺ. 

There have been many cases of spiritual abuse in the Muslim community involving those in clerical positions. Keeping in mind that we do not believe in the infallibility of scholars, we must emphasize that no scholar or pious person should be held equal to Allah. No scholar has special access to worshiping Allah in a way that other believers are excluded from, nor should they be positioning themselves in this manner.

Individuals who position themselves in this manner must be identified and held to account, whether by legal authorities and/or by the community (when applicable). Where individuals hold positions of responsibility towards communities and individuals, such vigilance becomes even more critical. Communities should ensure that there is no glorification of teachers as though they are sinless or somehow above reproach, as this paves the way for predatory people to gain an easy following. Time and time again, we have seen Muslims in positions of power completely destroy the lives of those they were meant to protect¹².

Who Are the Abusers? 

Anyone can exploit a situation where they hold some power over another person. Abuse is not limited to a particular gender, age group, profession or level of knowledge. It is often a combination of personal and contextual circumstances that allow for abuse to occur in the first place and then continue unabated.

Abuse more likely occurs if the context facilitates opportunities for abuse. This usually means that the abuser has easy access to vulnerable individuals, that there are few accountability structures in place, and that the abuser’s harmful actions are overlooked by others. Abusers may also instill fear in the victim or manipulate them into thinking that the abuse is normal and that they should not speak out or that they have no avenue to seek help. 

Predators often engage in commonly identified grooming tactics with both adult and child victims such as giving gifts, the over-praising of physical attributes, claiming God will be pleased with them if they unreservedly listen to the person being abusive, and rewarding the victim for their compliance. These behaviors are red flags that parents and leaders need to be vigilant about. Abusers may also make direct threats to victims’ dunya and akhira, such as telling victims that God will be displeased with them if they refuse to comply or if they tell anyone, or that the abuser will tell people things that would make the victim feel ashamed if others were to know. 

Major red flags also include encouraging the victim to keep secrets and not tell anyone else what is happening, communicating with the victim in private in person or online or both, and hiding their actions from the general public. Very often victims are made to feel like they are making a mutual decision and complying with the abusers requests of their own volition. However, the reality is often more complex as they may not realize they have been groomed. They may have been led to believe that they have a ‘special relationship’ with the abuser.

Some signs of abuse can be very clear. These include cases where a perpetrator asks someone to carry out haram actions, sometimes justifying them within a religious context, or when they demand total obedience, promising that it will bring the victim closer to Allah, or when they control many of the victims’ everyday religious and personal decisions. Abuse itself is often hidden, which means that we should look out for misconduct and signs of abuse and use these to question behaviours¹³ for all staff and a strong safeguarding policy should be enforced with consequences for misconduct. Institutions should appoint a designated safeguarding lead to whom any unsafe behaviours and potential issues can be reported.

All safeguarding policies should include Islamic guidelines on khalwah, interactions with minors, private communications, and a blanket prohibition on communication outside of official platforms.

Those in positions of leadership, whether as religious figures or masjid/institution board members, must demand that any organizations that they work for or with have safeguarding policies developed and enforced¹⁴.

In order to prevent offenders from moving from community to community wreaking havoc, masajid, institutions, and organisations, which all have a clear obligation to protect others from harm, must institute policies of refusing to hire anyone who has been involved in any form of abuse, anywhere, let alone those convicted of such offences.

There must be clear recruitment processes for larger institutions with the relevant safeguarding background checks¹⁵. Laws exist to prevent the employment of individuals with certain types of convictions on their records (e.g. child sexual abuse) if such employment puts them in a position to be working with vulnerable demographics. Religious organizations must consider themselves akin to social services organizations and comply with these laws, given that masajid and other religious spaces often serve as socio-spiritual resources. 

2. We call on imams, community leaders, teachers and Islamic institutes to hold predators publicly accountable through legal means.

Community leaders must get professional training from accredited sources so that they can learn about mandatory reporting, signs of child abuse, and how to support victims. In turn, this knowledge should be shared with the public so that the entire community receives consistent messaging about how to deal with these matters in an Islamically ethical and appropriate manner.

There must be due processes within institutions to receive and thoroughly investigate complaints and to hold predators accountable. Institutions must ensure that these processes for reporting and investigation are made well-known. To avoid corrupt or perfunctory investigations, these complaints should ideally be dealt with by a designated external body. We thus call upon community leaders to establish such a regulating body.

This work has already begun at some masajid and Islamic organizations; existing structures of accountability can be further researched and serve as sources of inspiration for building effective systems for use in the Muslim community. 

​​In addition to internal processes, institutions should not hesitate to contact relevant authorities such as the police when the law has potentially been broken and individuals have been harmed.

In order to recognize abuse and implement these policies, community leaders must get professional training from accredited sources so that they can learn about mandatory reporting, signs of child abuse, and how to support victims. In turn, this knowledge should be shared with the public so that the entire community receives consistent messaging about how to deal with these matters in an Islamically ethical and appropriate manner.

3. We call on imams, community leaders, teachers and Islamic institutes to prioritise discussions around spiritual abuse.

An educated community is a safer community. Discussions about healthy dynamics and signs of abuse need to happen often—and long before a crisis strikes. We need to build a culture of safety by discussing abuse in our communities and how to ensure it is prevented. Leaders need to run regular programs about spiritual abuse and talk about it in khutbahs and halaqas. 

Furthermore, when instances of abuse occur, these must be acknowledged and addressed publicly. Silence not only protects the abuser, but also fails to offer justice and support to the victim. We will be accountable if we are silent. Discussions should take place within institutions between all the concerned parties and must directly address the dhulm (oppression) and sinfulness of the crime. 

In addition to internal discussions, written communication to the community affected, together with communal addresses, needs to take place. The focus must remain on the incident, in order to create awareness and protect victims and potential victims, rather than shifting blame with distracting discussions on gender wars and feminism. 

Additionally, leaders should not ignore behaviors that do not fall under criminality, but are Islamically unlawful. These often involve exploitation of a position of power, such as secret marriages¹⁶, pressuring minors into marriage (in countries or states where there are no laws against minors marrying), taking advantage of convert women by not safeguarding their Islamic rights, and exploiting one’s position as spiritual leader/counselor to gain personal access to vulnerable women. 

4. We call on imams, community leaders, teachers, and Islamic institutes to establish structures that support victims and survivors.

Too many survivors of abuse are ashamed to seek help because of the pervasive culture of victim-blaming. This must change. Community leaders must model trust in and compassion for victims of abuse. In discussions of sexual abuse (especially child sexual abuse), suggestions of segregation or hijab¹⁷ as the solution to abuse must not be the sole focus. Instead, institutions must uphold the sunnah of holding perpetrators accountable. 

Victim blaming in this and other ways can give rise to microaggressions and painful ostracisms at community gatherings, such as community members distancing themselves from victims of abuse or spreading gossip about them. The fault always lies with the perpetrators and never with the victim. 

Demonstrating compassion for survivors includes constantly fighting against the culture of stigma and shame that surrounds abuse. Institutions should make explicitly clear that they prioritize safeguarding the community, and should ensure that the organization is a welcoming and safe space for all. Where funds are available, they should create supportive structures such as professional family counseling and support groups. Where institutions do not have the means, they should ensure that they have an internal safeguarding lead who can both support them and direct them to the relevant external support and help they need¹⁸.

Part of creating systems of support for vulnerable groups, particularly women, is ensuring that institutions employ women as resident scholars and teachers. Having women scholars as part of an institution’s framework demonstrates the community’s prioritization of women seeking knowledge in protected, safe spaces. 

However, women can at times be those who are the abusers or who perpetuate abuse. Therefore, there is a need for systems of accountability in all institutions, single-sex and otherwise, without exception. This cannot be understated.

We must also repudiate the role that some women have played in enabling the protection of abusers and perpetrating the silence of their crimes. These cycles of abuse must end, with all believers, men and women, playing active roles in supporting survivors of abuse and building preventative systems.

5. We call on imams, community leaders, teachers and Islamic institutes to provide education on building God-centered, healthy family dynamics.

With the advent of technology and social media, it is very easy to come across many different messages in relation to sex education and healthy relationships. It is therefore imperative that we teach our children and communities collectively what Allah ﷻ intended for gender dynamics and marital intimacy, with real examples of healthy relationships. This also includes education on boundaries, autonomy, and personal safety for young children and others. Such knowledge will empower individuals to better understand how to maintain personal safety from a holistic Islamic lens. This guidance is found within the Qur’an and the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ), along with research from health professionals. 

Call to Action: The community’s role in protecting vulnerable individuals from predators:

Congregation members and the wider Muslim community should make demands of their institutions and use their collective power for positive change. Engage with masajid and institutions that do have the correct procedures in place, and do not engage with, send your children to, or donate your funds to institutions that refuse to make the changes necessary to keep our communities safe. Where institutions have explicitly violated safeguarding procedures, such as concealing the abuse of a minor, it is both a legal requirement and an Islamic obligation to report these institutions to the authorities, as Muslims have an obligation to uphold the religious mandate of safety and security, according to the principle of the shari’ah:

When an obligation cannot be fulfilled without a means, then the means become obligatory.¹⁹

Whilst some are pressured not to report to authorities, we must emphasize that there is nothing wrong with doing so, and in fact, it can be obligatory to do so. No Islamic legal system exists without a government that establishes courts with the power to arrest, investigate, prosecute, and sentence those accused of crimes. Since, as minorities in many countries, Muslims do not have this, we have to depend on the governing jurisdiction to perform these functions²⁰. Otherwise, we live in anarchy, which Islam opposes. 

As discussed above, the primary responsibility of preventing abuse falls on community leaders and institutions. However, it is important to remember that even if the precautionary measures are taken by institutions, there still may be predators who escape notice and are in a position to exploit people. For this reason, community members can take additional protective measures:

• Avoid glorifying teachers as though they are infallible, as this paves the way for predatory teachers to gain an easy following.
• Refuse private meetings or conversations. There should be no khalwah (seclusion) with teachers or students of the opposite gender, and online khalwah (private messaging) is not excluded from this. Private conversations with a scholar of the opposite gender are never acceptable, and community members must report scholars who insist on such privacy. 
• Prevent all young children from being in a state of khalwah with teachers.^{21 22}
• Vet the environments that children are sent to, and do not assume that children will be safe just because a place is a Muslim institution.
• Remember that a scholar or religious leader should never ask you to do anything that is haram.
• Recognise red flags of abuse and bring them to the attention of leaders, authorities, and the community where necessary (see next section for more details on this).
• Look for green flags of safe Islamic leadership, such as:
  • Students being encouraged to use critical thinking skills, and to question with adab.
  • Teachers being able to say, “I don’t know” and being open to feedback and pushback
  • Leaders having good adab with everyone, especially their own families.
  • Institutions being transparent about finances, rules, and boundaries..
  • Teachers maintaining boundaries, especially in interactions with the opposite gender and with children.
  • Leaders being willing to listen to and learn from critique from community members without reacting angrily or defensively.
  • Leaders being clear about the structures of accountability that they are held to.

Too many of our elders have been secretly abused in the past, were unable to seek help, and have developed maladaptive coping mechanisms, including emotional suppression, denial, or moving away from religious practices. And hearing about recent cases of child abuse can open up old wounds²³. It is never too late to get help for past instances of spiritual abuse. 

Abuse and the Misconception of Concealing the Faults of Others or Backbiting

Islam emphasizes the inherent dignity of human beings, particularly Muslims. This is why gossiping and backbiting are forbidden, and concealing people’s private sins that do not cause harm to others or the community at large is encouraged²⁴. These are general guidelines and are not applicable to individuals committing harm against others, especially when concealing harm is going to encourage impunity and further perpetuate that harm. Rather, reporting and even publicizing may be encouraged and even mandatory, depending on the case²⁵. 

Allah tells us in the Quran: {Allah does not like the public mention of evil except by one who has been wronged…} (4:148).

According to the mufassirin, this verse indicates that it is permissible for the one wronged to pray against the one who wronged him and report him publicly, as long as it does not entail lying²⁶. Moreover, the wronged person is permitted to publicly speak of the harm and complain about the oppression, even saying to the people, “He is an oppressor.”²⁷ Hence, whether one is obligated to conceal and advise privately on the one hand, or to report and/or speak about the sin or crime on the other, depends on the people harmed, the potential for future harm,  and the consequences of leaving that sin/crime unaddressed. Muslims are obligated to protect, preserve, and safeguard the religion, people’s rights, and the principle of justice.

Imam al-Nawawi stated that backbiting is permitted for a legitimate purpose, and one of these purposes is seeking counsel²⁸. When one is seeking help in therapy and needs to talk about the abuse to heal, there is a clear benefit. The therapeutic setting is a private one between client and counselor, and comes with legal obligations, including confidentiality. A therapist cannot disclose anything a client says except in limited circumstances as required by law. A client’s purpose in engaging with a therapist is to seek healing, not to simply gossip aimlessly. Thus, it is not considered backbiting or slander for someone to discuss abuse or abusers in the context of therapy.

Similarly, seeking counsel from elders or friends would not constitute backbiting, as the intention is not to gossip but to help bring oneself out of a harmful situation. Wider conversations about abuse and how it can impact victims need to continue, as abuse grows in silence. Perpetrators use isolation as a method of control, and a victim often feels alone in what they are dealing with. This isolation, in addition to feelings of shame that may come with being a victim of abuse, makes it very difficult to recognize the abuse and seek help. The less that abuse is discussed, the easier it is for abusers to continue with their behaviors unchecked. Alongside abusers feeling emboldened by the silence, victims also self-blame in that kind of environment, believing that the abuse is their own fault, and people come to regard signs of abuse as none of their business. Speaking about abuse in community, in classes, and in families will allow more people to recognise signs of abuse and help to end the culture of shame and silence that allows it to continue harming individuals  and communities.

The Islamic Obligation to Report Abusers

{You who believe, uphold justice and bear witness to God, even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or your close relatives. Whether the person is rich or poor, God can best take care of both. Refrain from following your own desire, so that you can act justly—if you distort or neglect justice, God is fully aware of what you do.} (Qur’an 4:135)

Imam al-Nawawi recommends that cases of harm and corruption be brought to the authorities, “because concealing [the abuser] would encourage him to cause more harm and corruption, violate the prohibitions, and embolden others to do the same as him.”²⁹ This highlights the imperative of reporting such behavior not only to restrict direct harm to victims, but also to restrict perpetrators’ access to and influence on vulnerable individuals. In some cases, making the abuser known to the community to protect people and to deter others is also crucial in preventing further harm.³⁰ Whether the abuse should be made public knowledge depends on a range of factors and requires Muslim leadership to take this matter seriously in order to develop an understanding of when it is appropriate and necessary to divulge such information to the community.

It is an Islamic obligation for anyone who witnesses a criminal act or knows of a criminal act that took place (with evidence), to report it to the legal authorities of their region. Furthermore, it is NOT a sin for a Muslim to call the police on another Muslim if that person has committed crimes (including sexual abuse, domestic abuse, financial crimes, etc.). In non-Muslim countries, we already rely on the legal structures for every other aspect of our lives; we should not hold a double standard and only use these institutions when they benefit us personally, but rather, we must acknowledge and understand that in the absence of an Islamic legal authority, we are bound to turn to these institutions for any criminal matter, even if it is against other Muslims.

Call to Action: 

We call on Muslim families to model healthy gender interactions and healthy families: 

It is imperative that we model healthy gender interactions to the next generation of young Muslim men and women, and the best example of that begins within the family home. This includes respectful interactions between spouses, between each spouse and all children, and between wider family members. Modeled behaviors should provide healthy examples of respect for each other’s views (even when not in agreement), conflict resolution skills, and healthy boundaries within families. 

For single parent homes or in the absence of a healthy father figure, there needs to be a collective effort from mahram men to act as role models to young people whenever possible. 

Where children may have been exposed to traumas, we need to consider what resources and assistance parents and caregivers may need to support that child, alongside professional consultation. Where children or adults experience mental health difficulties, rather than exclusion and ostracisation, there needs to be a collective effort to include them and provide safe spaces that are accessible, friendly and welcoming. By modelling these healthy behaviors within families, we can then extend them into our communities.

We call on Muslim men to inculcate and model futuwwa (chivalry) in the true Prophetic sense: 

The Prophet ﷺ was the best example of kind, respectful, and honorable interactions with men, women, and children. We know that there are many incredible Muslim men in our communities who seek to fulfill the Sunnah of RasulAllah in all ways. We understand that as qawwaamoon, Muslim men have an important leadership role in our communities. Brave and compassionate Muslim men who embody the characteristics of the Prophet ﷺ will hold themselves and other men accountable³¹. It takes a special courage to call out injustice, especially when it is family members, friends, or colleagues perpetrating the oppression.

Muslim men must also model healthy behavior for the upcoming generation of young men and women. Abuse does not happen in a vacuum, and is often repeated from generation to generation. Contrary to many assumptions however, men who were abused as children are not doomed to repeat the cycle. Both spiritual healing and external resources online and in-person are often successful at breaking these generational patterns³². We believe in the strength of Muslim men to do what is right for the Sake of Allah and to protect the Ummah, knowing that the leadership they have been entrusted with is a serious responsibility about which they will be asked on the Day of Judgement. 

We call on Muslim women to support vulnerable groups, particularly other women: 

We must acknowledge the role that women have also played in enabling the protection of abusers and perpetrating the silence of their crimes; indeed, we must recognize that even women can be abusers. This cycle must end, with Muslim women playing an active role in not just supporting survivors of abuse, but being actively involved in building preventative systems. Make space for survivors and help build them up instead of tearing them down. 

Muslim women should seek out female scholars, teachers, and students of knowledge to learn from. We need to build strong networks of Islamically educated mothers, aunties, sisters, daughters who can empower each other with sacred knowledge, as God intended through the example of the Mothers of The Believers (may Allah be pleased with them all). We must demonstrate the care and nurturing of the Ummahaat al-Mu’mineen by serving as  a source of safety and strength, empathy and resources for both our communities in general and for victims if abuse should occur.  

Conclusion

This paper is more than just a statement of condemnation; it is a call to action to community leaders and community members alike. Spiritual abuse in all its forms is a hidden disease in our Ummah—one that believing men and believing women alike have an obligation to root out. It is time for us to set up checks and balances in our community institutions, masajid, and schools to protect our most vulnerable community members. It is part and parcel of  our religious obligation to help one another by ending oppression and to enjoin good and forbid evil:

Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said, “Help your brother whether he is an oppressor or an oppressed,” A man said, “O Allah’s Messenger ﷺ! I will help him if he is oppressed, but if he is an oppressor, how shall I help him?” The Prophet ﷺ said, “By preventing him from oppressing (others), for that is how to help him.”³³

It is with this spirit of standing determinedly against oppression that this paper has been issued. Standing against spiritual abuse in all its forms is a collective responsibility of both community leaders and community members alike. Part of fulfilling the Prophetic commandment of preventing an oppressor from oppressing others is an imperative to address risk factors that contribute to creating perpetrators in the first place. This is in order to protect them from sin, from harm, from their own violence, and crucially, the abuse of others.

After outlining our motivations for this paper, we started by laying out a well-accepted definition of spiritual abuse. Thereafter, we emphasized the fallibility of scholars, explaining that they are not immune to perpetuating abuse. We identified red flags associated with abusers and listed demographics vulnerable to abuse. Most importantly, we dedicated a large proportion of this paper to a call to action for all members of the Muslim community, first and foremost to its leaders, thereafter the wider community, families, men, and women. Within this section, we discussed misconceptions related to concealing sins and the Islamic obligation to report abusers. We detailed concrete steps for all members of the Muslim community to take in order to prevent abuse.

This paper is only the first step in raising awareness about the seriousness of spiritual abuse and what meaningful action our community needs to take in order to effectively deal with this disease. We pray that everyone, men and women, leaders and community members, understands the seriousness of the matter at hand and realizes that it is our communal responsibility to urgently address these issues.

May Allah make us amongst those who are sincere in our work, who seek His Pleasure above all else, who uphold the obligations of enjoining good and forbidding evil, and who are a source of benefit and safety to our brothers and sisters in this Ummah. May Allah forgive us for our shortcomings, purify us, and accept this from us, paving the way to removing abuse in our Ummah.

Download the PDF of this paper: Female Scholars Against Spiritual Abuse

Related:

Statement Against Abuse: The Female Scholars Network

Statement Against Domestic Violence: The Female Scholarship Network

The post Addressing Abuse Amongst Muslims: A Community Call-In & Leadership Directives | The Female Scholars Network appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

Recognizing Warning Signs of Abuse

Awareness of potential warning signs can empower caregivers to act promptly. Indicators of child sexual abuse may include:

Behavioral Changes: Unexplained anxiety, withdrawal from friends and family, sudden mood swings, or aggressive behavior.

Physical Symptoms: Injuries, frequent infections, or pain that the child cannot explain.

Reluctance or Avoidance: Avoiding certain individuals, places, or situations without a clear reason.

Regression: Behaviors such as bedwetting, thumb-sucking, or unusual clinginess may indicate distress.

Hypervigilance or Sleep Disturbances: Children may show signs of being “on edge,” experience frequent nightmares, or have difficulty sleeping alone.

Age-Inappropriate Sexual Knowledge: Displaying sexual behaviors or language that are not suitable for their age.

Changes in Hygiene or Eating Habits: Some children may excessively clean themselves, neglect personal hygiene, or show unusual changes in eating patterns.

Self-Harm or Aggression: Children may harm themselves or show aggression as a means to express intense, unspoken emotions.

Unexplained Physical Symptoms: Frequent headaches, stomach aches, or other complaints without medical cause may signal psychological stress, with children expressing distress through physical symptoms.

Escapist Behaviors or Running Away: Older children may run away or spend excessive time outside to avoid their environment. They might also engage in risky behaviors, like substance use, as coping mechanisms.

Excessive Compliance or “People-Pleasing”: Children feeling unsafe may become overly compliant, eager to please authority figures to avoid conflict or harm, often showing perfectionistic tendencies.

 Islamic guidance encourages vigilance over children’s well-being, emphasizing compassion and attentiveness to a child’s emotional state. Recognizing and responding to these signs with sensitivity is critical in protecting our children.

Parental Strategies for Safeguarding Children

Islam places a significant responsibility on parents to nurture and protect their children. Here are essential strategies that parents can adopt to safeguard their children:

1. Open Communication: Build a relationship of trust where children feel safe sharing their thoughts and feelings. Encourage open discussions about boundaries and bodily autonomy.
2. Teach About Safe and Unsafe Touch: Educate children on the concept of safe versus unsafe touch (also known as good and bad touch), helping them understand that no one has the right to make them uncomfortable. Use age-appropriate language to convey these principles.
3. Monitor Digital Exposure: With increased online activities, children are at risk of exposure to inappropriate content or harmful individuals. Set clear boundaries for internet use, monitor online interactions, and educate children about internet safety.
4. Inculcate a Sense of Modesty (haya): Modesty is an intrinsic value in Islam, fostering self-respect and boundaries. Teach children to value their dignity and privacy, reinforcing their ability to identify and resist inappropriate advances.
5. Dua’ (Supplication) and Spiritual Protection: Regularly making supplications for children’s protection is integral in Islam. Prophet Muhammad used the supplication, “I seek protection for you in the Perfect Words of Allah from every devil, every beast, and every envious, blameworthy eye” to safeguard his grandchildren. Parents are encouraged to recite similar duas for their children’s safety.

Guidelines for Institutions

Institutions, including schools, religious centers, and community organizations, have a duty to provide safe environments for children. Below are recommendations for implementing comprehensive protection measures:

1. Clear Child Protection Policies: Institutions should establish policies to address abuse prevention, reporting mechanisms, and response protocols. This includes guidelines to handle complaints sensitively and confidentially.
2. Background Checks for Staff: Conduct thorough screenings for all personnel working with children, ensuring they are vetted to uphold child safety and are aligned with the institution’s code of conduct.
3. Training Programs: Regularly train staff on child protection principles, including recognizing abuse signs, understanding reporting processes, and maintaining professional boundaries. Islamic teachings encourage knowledge and action in protecting the vulnerable, emphasizing the importance of equipping staff with these essential skills.
4. Safe Physical Environment: Institutions must ensure physical spaces are safe and secure, minimizing secluded areas and implementing measures like cameras and open-door policies during one-on-one interactions. Additionally, fostering a community environment where children feel secure and respected aligns with the Islamic concept of creating safe spaces (sakinah).
5. Parental Engagement: Regularly engage parents, providing workshops on child protection and encouraging involvement in the institution’s activities. Collaborative efforts between families and institutions reinforce a child’s safety network.

Child protection is a multifaceted responsibility that requires vigilance, compassion, and proactive measures from families, communities, and institutions. By integrating Islamic principles into everyday practices and institutional policies, we can foster environments that protect children’s sanctity and ensure their holistic well-being. Parents and guardians play an essential role in raising children who feel safe, respected, and valued, which, in turn, enables them to grow as confident, spiritually grounded individuals.

May Allah grant us wisdom and strength in our roles as caregivers, and may our communities continue to uphold the sacred trust of protecting the most vulnerable among us.

Related:

– Processing Spiritual Abuse In Islam: A Comprehensive Guide For Individuals, Communities, And Organizations

– Dear Resilient Soul… – A Message To Survivors Of Childhood Sexual Trauma

The post Safeguarding Children In Today’s World: An Islamic Perspective On Child Sexual Abuse Prevention And Protection appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

Over the years, MuslimMatters has published various pieces related to CSA (child sexual abuse) to serve as resources for the community.

• Preventing Child Sexual Abuse: What Can You Do?

Najwa Awad, a licensed social worker and psychotherapist, shares information on what Muslim parents and educators need to know about preventing CSA. This is necessary reading for anyone responsible for minors.

• Sex & the Ummah: Child Abuse Prevention & Advice for the Victims’ Families Part III

Saba Syed shares further CSA prevention tips, as well as spotting warning signs of abuse, and advice on moving forward.

• Sex & the Ummah: Healing is Possible for Victims of Molestation Part IV-A

This post acknowledges and validates the pain that victims of CSA experience, while providing suggestions on healing from abuse.

• Sex & the Ummah: Intimacy and Marital Problems for Victims of Molestation. Part II- C/D

This article examines common struggles that adult victims of CSA experience in relation to intimacy and marriage, shedding light on these stigmatized topics.

• Sacred and Civic Trust: Imam Calls Out Suspected Sexual Abuse In Friday Sermon

Our EiC Hena Zuberi supports Imam Nick Pelletier’s decisive actions in calling out CSA during a khutbah and underscores the Islamic obligation for all Muslims to stand against CSA, including through reporting to the authorities and pursuing legal action.

• Statement Against Abuse: The Female Scholars Network

The Female Scholars Network, and many supporting male and female scholars, issued a statement condemning abuse in all its forms, and calls for accountability.

• MuslimMatters Official Statement On Wisam Sharieff

MuslimMatters official statement on Wisam Sharieff.

Other Resources

The following are other resources regarding CSA, prevention of CSA, and religious/ spiritual abuse. These are not published through MuslimMatters.

• Keeping Our Children Safe from Predators: A Guide for Parents

Muhammad Rima, a licensed counselor, provides a valuable list of information for parents on warning signs, preventative measures, communication with children, and how to provide support regarding CSA.

• Religious/Spiritual Abuse Toolkit

The Family and Youth Institute, a Muslim organization for mental health and families, has developed a comprehensive toolkit to support those impacted by spiritual abuse.

• A Soulful Islamic Guide: Child Sexual Abuse Prevention: A toolkit for Muslim parents, practitioners, imams, and community members

This comprehensive guide discusses everything from myths about CSA, understanding grooming, recognizing signs of CSA, talking to children about CSA, and more.

• Physical Beatings and Sexual Abuse in Islamic Schools | In Shaykhs’ Clothing

Ustadh Danish Qasim talks about the dangerous phenomenon of physical and sexual abuse in Muslim schools.

• Addressing Sexual Abuse of Children: An Interview with Mufti Nawaz Khan

Mufti Nawaz Khan speaks about the importance of acknowledging and addressing CSA in Muslim contexts.

• On Grooming and CSA

Dr. Juhayna Ajami explains what grooming is, how it happens, and how victims are impacted.

Related:

On Power, Boundaries, And The Accountability Of Imams

I Encountered A Predator On Instagram

The post An MM Recap: Toolkits To Fight Child Sexual Abuse appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

Media portrayals of young Muslims’ sexuality have tended to focus on less insightful but more eye-catching questions. The hijab’s alleged repression of Muslim women continues to make headlines, and to inspire rebuttals championing Islam’s purported liberation of women from their objectification in Western capitalist societies. Until recently, mainstream media was captivated by stories linking the supposed sexual repression of Muslim men to religious violence. The hottest issue now is the question of Islam and homosexuality, especially the perceived conflicts between Islamic scripture and progressive politics. Implicit in much of this media coverage around Islam and sexuality is an underlying assumption: young Muslims are sexually repressed, ever-burdened by the disconnect between their other-worldly aspirations and their sensual present.

Of course, there are other stories too, such as those about the long tradition of explicit sexual discussion in Islam, or the much-discussed New Yorker piece exploring one way that Muslim college students are addressing their sexual desires: secret marriages. But such well-meaning articles risk reinforcing the notion that the many Muslims not giving in to their sexual desires—outside or inside marriage—are sexually repressed. In my own experience, and through extensive conversations with Muslim students and chaplains from different campuses across the US, I find a far more complex picture of Muslim sexuality. Young Muslims resisting sexual interactions make meaning of their choices in ways that disturb the neat links between desires, actions, and identities conceived in secular imaginaries. In resisting sex, Muslim students transcend the binaries of repression and liberation, the sexual and the spiritual. 

***

Given that most Muslim communities in the US disapprove of sexual relations before marriage, many Muslim students never have the opportunity to explore their sexuality—until they enter college. (I have obscured the identities of the students who spoke with me for this piece, for obvious reasons.) 

“The parental oversight is gone, you’re living in mixed-gender dorms, you have hormones raging inside you—it’s hard not to be tempted,” admitted Maryam. “You have freedom like you never had before.” 

For international students coming in from Muslim-majority countries, the contrast is dramatic. “There are literally no restrictions here,” reflected Wakeel, a graduate student. “Anyone can be in anyone’s room at any time. In my country, miles separated the gender-segregated hostels, and students attempting to cross the distance faced disciplinary action.” 

With logistical ease come the ideological challenges that make college life harder for Muslim students wishing to adhere to Islamic limitations on premarital sex. Many residential universities require all incoming students to attend safe-sex sessions. According to Sana, a sophomore at an Ivy League university, the takeaway is clear. “If you want to have sex—and who doesn’t!—only two concerns matter: one, is it consensual, and two, is it safe? Nothing else matters,” she said. “These lessons soften the moral question of premarital sex, so it starts to become more like an Islam problem than an ethical one.” 

Perhaps the biggest temptation is the pervasive party culture across campuses. For Muslims going to places renowned as “party schools,” the challenges are even harder. 

“When all your friends—including some Muslim friends—are going out every Thursday and Saturday night to have some fun, sooner or later there comes a point when the FOMO hits you hard,” said Zeeshan. 

He invoked a narrative that recurred frequently in my conversations: the story of Prophet Yusuf (the biblical Joseph). In one of the most evocative scenes in the Quran, a young, dashing Yusuf finds himself alone with the beautiful wife of the minister who purchased him. She locks all the doors before inviting him: “Haita lak (come on).” To some students, the cool breeze blowing across campus on party nights still carries that faint but unmistakable echo: Haita lak.  

***

Haita lak – [PC: Saif71 (unsplash)]

“I could avoid going to a party on campus—I’d just steer clear of the street where I knew there was trouble,” shared Ayhan, who graduated last year. “The bigger problem was when the dorm next door would have a party, and I’d get a text from my neighbor: Hey come over. It’s hard to say no because they know you’re in the room and they know you’re not doing problem sets Friday night at 9 pm.” 

Saying no can be a particularly thorny issue because some Muslim college students do attend parties—and have sex. Zahra, a junior, attends a large public school in which fraternities host events “where the entire point is to get drunk and get laid.” Invoking her Muslim identity to turn down these events is hard because there are other students—Muslims—who do attend such events. 

“I’m then in the awkward position of saying ‘sorry, I can’t come because Islam prohibits these,’ which indirectly sounds like I’m holier-than-them,” she said. 

But if she believes that Islam does prohibit sexual interactions outside marriage, isn’t that an accurate judgment? Zahra disagrees. 

“Look. There could be someone who goes to these events and commits many haram acts but is still dearer to God than me. ‘He knows better who is more guided’, the Quran tells us. So only God can judge individuals. But I can judge actions, because the same Quran has established a clear moral compass to distinguish between the permissible and the prohibited.” 

In practice, however, judgments are hard to avoid, and expressing one’s feelings, even to other Muslims, can be difficult. Muhammad grew up in a conservative Muslim-majority country, where religious gatherings—and many other public spaces—were segregated by gender. He was told that this promotes modesty. But even same-sex spaces can have their temptations.

“In my all-boys madrasa, there were one or two guys who I just couldn’t stop staring at,” recalled Muhammad. I would get goosebumps when they spoke to me or when our hands met. I couldn’t understand these feelings; they thrilled and frightened me.” 

Confused, Muhammad began frequenting a larger madrasa nearby, where many students lived on campus. The scholars there would openly warn against the temptations that other young boys could arouse—hence the madrasa’s policy, for instance, of prohibiting two students from sleeping under the same blanket. 

“I realized now that my own feelings were nothing unnatural but simply one version of the different trials through which Allah tests His slaves,” reflected Muhammad. “The temptations remained, but since they were acknowledged as temptations, I was able to better deal with them.” 

But when Muhammad came to the US for the first time as a college student, he experienced a shock. He shared his struggles with same-sex desires with some Muslim friends, at which “one of them jumped back, gasping ‘You’re gay!’” 

Here was Muhammad’s first introduction to the sexual culture of the US. 

“It’s a strange culture, where your feelings define your very being,” he said. “Unfortunately, Muslims are affected by such ideas too, so that the moment they hear you have certain desires, they put a label on you. And if you refuse that label, they think you’re closeted or something.”

Muhammad eventually found solace through an online support group. But his first few years of college life tested him to the brink, as he recalled:  “So many guys and girls around me were exploring their sexuality, and there were times when I wondered if I would get through with my chastity intact.”

For Muhammad, as for many of his peers, being in college is a bit like being Yusuf in the house of the minister: hearing the same invitation, facing a similar challenge—mustering the strength to refuse the call. 

***

How does one deal with powerful sexual desires without fulfilling them? For some students, the necessity of exercising caution in entering physical relationships comes from observing those who, as they perceive it, don’t. 

“You hear so many girls in physical relationships complaining about an overwhelming emotional emptiness, about feeling neglected and used,” said Fatima, a member of a peer counseling team on campus. “Even as you support them, you feel grateful that Islam protects you from such relationships.” 

To Ahmed, who admitted being envious of his friends in high school who were dating and pursuing romantic relationships, the experience of living with some of them as roommates brought a realization: “You know what, these guys aren’t actually happier than I am; in fact, many of them are pretty miserable!” 

Other students commit to avoiding intimacy in hopes of what they see as a more wholesome relationship in the future—marriage. “I strive to ensure I don’t do anything that I wouldn’t want my future spouse to have done,” was an ambition frequently echoed, as was the related goal of keeping oneself “pure” for the “one.” According to a Muslim chaplain at one Ivy League institution, this reasoning is particularly salient among Muslim men who are all too aware of the double standards that Muslim (and non-Muslim) communities have generally applied to male sexual relations as compared to female.

And the double standards are certainly prevalent. Most American Muslim families and communities avoid discussing female sexual desires, focusing on general discussions of modesty and “virtue.” The latter can sometimes be taken to unhealthy extremes, according to Rachel, a graduate from a college in NYC. 

“I had roommates who had boyfriends who would spend the night at our dorm,” she said. “I had a burning desire to explore that [sexual] side too. But I had so much fear. It was drilled into me that, if I sinned, my future husband would find out; I would be divorced, my life ruined, my family humiliated. I just wish someone had acknowledged my desires positively, or at least reminded me that no amount of past sins are greater than Allah’s Mercy.”

Even amongst her friends, noted Nura, a graduate from an elite private institution, female sexual desires could be taboo. Though some of her Muslima friends openly discussed strategies like running on a treadmill to cope with intense feelings, others shied away from any mention of them—even if it pertained to religious teachings. 

To illustrate, Nura recalled a time when she and some friends made wudu (a ritual washing of the hands, face, and feet; which is a prerequisite to performing the five daily prayers mandated on Muslims). On their way to the multi-faith prayer room on campus, one of them met a male friend and they hugged. She then asked the other girls to return to the bathroom so she could make wudu again. Nura was surprised for, per her understanding of Islam, nothing had transpired that would break the wudu. Her friend explained that Nura’s knowledge was correct according to the school of Islamic jurisprudence followed by Nura. However, the friend’s family had raised her in a different school which considers the wudu void if you touch a na-mahram, a person from the opposite gender (such as a friend or cousin) who you could legally marry. 

Upon hearing this, another girl rejoined that, actually, the wudu is void only if the touch arouses an intense bout of passion accompanied by fluid discharge. Controversy ensued.

“The other friends who were with us suddenly became visibly agitated and exclaimed that we shouldn’t be talking about such shameful things,” Nura recalled. “But the Quran itself mentions female desire!” 

***

The open acknowledgment of sexual desires in the Quranic account of Yusuf surprises some modern Muslims—the discussion appears to them a bit too explicit, perhaps even erotic. For centuries, however, Muslims across the world have celebrated the narrative, versifying it in poetry and illustrating it in manuscripts. This is partly because these Muslims recognized—as do many Muslim students today with whom I spoke—that powerful desires are a gateway to God.

Resistance through worship [PC: Ashkan Forouzani (unsplash)]

“In resisting his desires, Prophet Yusuf became closer to Allah ,” reflected one student. “Living on a campus with all these temptations is likewise an opportunity for me to get closer to God. But like Prophet Yusuf , I must be humble. When faced with the seductive offer, he sought refuge in Allah —and then ran to the door. So I have to ensure that even as I’m seeking Allah’s help, I also don’t put myself in spaces that I know are seductive.”

For Siddiq, the relationship between desire and spiritual growth was revealed during his sophomore year. Infatuated with a fellow Muslim student, he experienced heartbreak when she chose to remain his sister-in-faith. The experience, however, transformed him. 

“Until that moment, I had never tasted true love—love as an obsession, where you can only see this one person and everything else ceases to be visible, even to exist, [where] all that matters is to speak with her, to be near to her,” he recalled. “This, I realized, is a glimpse of how the lovers of Allah see Him,” he said. 

In terms of the Muslim profession of faith, La ilaha illa Allah (No god but Allah ), Siddiq now had experiential knowledge of that first negation: la. 

In his struggles with same-sex desires, Muhammad, too, has reached the conclusion that unfulfilled desires can lead to God. The way he sees it, “this world was never meant to be a place of ultimate fulfillment.” When Prophet Musa (Moses), out of his overwhelming love for God, desired to see Him, God replied: “You cannot see Me.” According to the reported sayings of Prophet Muhammad , the ultimate blessing in Paradise will be to gaze at God.

“This life, however, is not— cannot—be the place where the veils are lifted between the lover and the beloved,” said Muhammad. “So I strive to channel my insatiable feelings toward getting closer to Him, hoping for union in the next life. It’s not a solution for everyone, certainly, and it doesn’t always work for me, But it gives me strength, at times, and hope.”

Even to those students whose desires may find a permissible outlet in this world, the spiritual is not out of sight. For Urooj, fantasies of a fulsome sexual relationship after marriage are made more meaningful in spiritual terms: “The pleasure of sexual intimacy is a taste of the flavors of Paradise, according to our scholars. It’s something to enjoy together with one’s spouse, so that both may be grateful for the blessing bestowed by Allah .” 

Thinking about marriage has also transformed the very meaning of sexual intimacy for some Muslim students. Witnessing what he saw as the strained, sometimes broken, marital bonds of some of his close friends, Ahmed felt his rosy image of marriage wilting—until he spent time with what he described as more stable Muslim families. The peace and meaning he experienced in their homes alerted him to a new way of conceiving sex. 

“I realized that, in Islam, sexual intimacy is situated within a wider cosmic space of a much deeper relationship,” he said. “In contrast, for some of my friends who were sleeping around in college, the act had lost meaning. It seemed that they felt a post-climactic emptiness, like you feel after a binge watch, or when you devour a lot of dessert. On the other hand, these Muslim couples—even though they too would fight and quarrel—seemed to be basking in the pleasure, close to each other, closer to God.”

For Aysha, the realization that your relationship with your spouse could be a metaphor for your relationship with God came through reading: “I was perusing a 17th-century text on Islamic mysticism and came across the line: ‘does not every lover desire to be near their beloved in the darkness of night?’ I thought the author was describing marriage—he was talking about tahajjud (the voluntary night prayers).”

The seductive echoes of haita lak are thus not the only ones reverberating through the campus air; the morning breeze also rings with hayya ala al-salat (come to prayer), hayya ala al-falah (come to success)—the words of the azan recited in mosques across the US. To some, the two calls can often be heard simultaneously. Together, they symbolize the temptations and aspirations that college life presents for many Muslim students in America.

Related:

– Modesty And Gender In Islam: A Reconciliation

– A Statement From Straight Struggle Muslims

– How University Made Me a Better Muslim

The post Beyond Repression: Muslim Sexuality On Campus appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

Previously in this series: Part 1 | Part 2| Part 3 |Part 4

College is a great opportunity to stay on the lookout for a spouse–no matter how much of a joke and stereotype that sounds like! You have some baseline compatibility: your level of education, your age, your religiosity, your volunteer efforts with the MSA, your alma mater, and geographical location. That’s a pretty good start, honestly. So, of course, there are so many stories of courtships and romances, on various points of the spectrums of happy and sad and halal and haram. All of these stories can act as valuable case studies to help you navigate your own courtships on the path to marriage.

MSA Courtship Gone Wrong

 – Moving Forward Without Having The Marriage Talk With Your Parents First

One of my good friends in the MSA was approached by a brother for marriage. He had sent a proposal through a local shaykh that the sister’s family had a very good relationship with. Her parents met with the shaykh and this brother, and her parents were really happy with the suitor. The brother and sister started talking to get to know each other with the sister’s parent’s approval and she realized that they’d work out as a great couple. 

What happens next? Her parents want to meet with his family and get things official now that they hear their daughter is certain of her decision to marry this brother. When they’ve reached this stage in their courtship, the brother now approaches his parents telling them that he wants to get married and he’s found the perfect girl from his MSA. The brother and sister I speak of are from completely different ethnic backgrounds. The brother’s family had a strong preference that he marry someone from within his own ethnic background, and this became a huge problem. In the meantime, the sister’s family is waiting to hear from the brother’s family…but the brother is trying to convince his family to change their mind about this issue. Now he’s getting the shaykh involved, hoping he’ll have a successful intervention with his family. 

Finally, the brother’s parents agree to meet the sister and her family. While meeting with his family, this sister noticed that she and her family weren’t being respected and treated nicely. She made istikhaarah and she had a very bad feeling about moving forward. She told me it broke her heart to walk away from that courtship because she really believed that the two of them fit so well together. He was a great brother in so many ways and their lifestyles and family life expectations were in line…but she couldn’t overlook the disapproval from the brother’s family about her racial background. She told me, “When I thought of how they would treat my kids, seeing them so dark-skinned and looking so different from everyone else in their family, I couldn’t go forward with it.” She told me that it took her a long time to heal from that and move forward. 

By the way, she confided this all to me when I visited her at her home the day before she was getting married to someone else she was introduced to through family. She mentioned how she was so relieved to move out of state after getting married because the brother from the MSA had told his fiancé, another girl from the MSA, about their courtship and she was hostile towards my friend. Go figure! This brother’s poor judgment also extended insofar as telling his fiancé about the other women he pursued in the MSA…

Who is to blame for all of this heartbreak? You would be rash to accuse the brother’s parents, although it is tempting. I blame the brother. Had he just approached his parents like an adult and told them about his desire to get married, they could have had the conversations they needed then. He could have heard how vehemently they needed him to marry a girl “from our village.” If he disagreed, he could have worked on his parents on his own, trying to convince them otherwise. He could have called in support from the shaykh or friends or family who would be on his side and think the way he does–that ethnic heritage and racial background are tertiary matters when considering a potential spouse. 

But he wasn’t mature enough to face his parents and do the necessary work. How dare he drag a sister and her family into a courtship that he didn’t even know his parents would consider valid? 

Luckily for this brother and sister, they didn’t end up resorting to a haram relationship to wait out the storm his parents caused because her family was involved. They had a chaperone, the local imam, from the beginning and this kept them on course. But imagine if you don’t have the families or a chaperone involved at all? You might start making compromises you would have never expected yourself to make. 

 – Asking About Someone When You Know Your Parents Don’t Want You To Get Married

Hey, this story is about me! I mentioned briefly in Part 2 about a brother who asked a shaykh to inquire about me. This happened at an Ilm Summit I attended years ago (Ilm Summit marriages, college MSA marriages–same boat). I was still in undergrad but this guy was in professional school. I had made it a rule to never reject someone without talking to them at least once, taking the advice of my marriage-mentor friend. I had no clue who this brother was, so I asked one of my friends back home to stalk this guy online. That’s what good friends do for you! There were some strange things that came up about him, mostly shirtless pictures of him with scantily clad women on beaches all over his social media, and so I had a handful of reservations about him. 

I put those hesitations aside and called my mom to tell her about this. At this point in my life, my mom had already ambushed me six months before with a surprise rishta meet-up so “I was out” on the marriage market, to put it in Jane Austen terminology. She said the first step would be for the brother’s mom to get in touch with her directly. It turns out that our families grew up only 30 minutes away from each other and my mom knew of his family. So, I gave the shaykh my mom’s phone number, which he passed to the brother. In the meantime, my mom made inquiries about their family from mutual friends. My mom is waiting for a phone call, but no phone call comes. I check back in with the shaykh at my mom’s insistence, and also at my annoyance that I’m being stood up by some random bro. After a little back-and-forth, the shaykh lets me know that this brother’s family is not willing for him to get married until he finishes up his graduate studies. Imagine how annoyed my mom and I were.

To make things worse, being ghosted by him haunted me as I had unwittingly interacted with his female family members.  I met his mother shortly after this twice the next Ramadan. On one of these occasions, I spent over five minutes chatting with this brother’s mom. After the first instance, my mother told me who I was talking to and then pointed out that the brother was standing near us while I talked to his mom. I was simultaneously mortified and upset–what impression may I have given to the brother or his family? I swore to myself I would memorize her face and avoid her at all costs for the rest of Ramadan. A few years later, I went for Hajj with his sister without realizing who she was until later. It just put a sour taste in my mouth, do you know what I mean? It also made me wonder if something about me or my family wasn’t good enough in their family’s eyes. Being in the marriage market put me in a delicate, self-conscious state and it was too much to handle. It reminded me of a difficult and frustrating experience that I’d rather forget.  

 – Going Rogue With No Families Involved At All

PC: Asterfolio (unsplash)

Here’s one of many stories I’ve heard of a brother and sister in the MSA contacting each other for marriage and then they end up dating for years because they’re not ready to involve their parents. 

When I was a freshman in college, a junior had befriended me and was my MSA mentor. I loved talking to her and hanging out with her and I felt so cool having an upperclassman as a friend. Then one day, she sends me an IM (instant message) telling me she has a secret she wants to tell me about. Her secret? That she is “best friends” with one of the brothers from the MSA. I’m thinking to myself –what the flip does that mean?- and so I ask her. She tells me that they’re best friends waiting to get married. Still, I’m confused, so I probe further. Neither of them are ready to ask their parents if they can get married–he’s a sophomore and she’s a junior. So in the meantime, they’re just “best friends” waiting it out together.

BS! You’d call that boyfriend and girlfriend, not best friends! Even if they’re just in an emotionally intimate and committed relationship, it is still haram. For some reason, however, many dismiss these situationships very easily as not that bad because nothing gets physical–without acknowledging that emotional damage can be very devastating. 

So I told my friend that I didn’t approve of her secret best friend and thought they should end their mutual understanding. She told me she had tried to cut him off in the past, but it hadn’t worked. I asked her to try again and she said she wouldn’t. I ended my friendship with this sister. Why? I didn’t want to be dragged down into the secret MSA dating scene and I knew that being close to her would put me at the risk of falling into that sin myself. I was much more concerned about self-preservation than having friends who were bad company.

Thankfully I ended up making other friends and was spared from having to interact with her that much for the rest of the time I was in undergrad. I also knew what she was doing was something I was so staunchly against that I wouldn’t be able to be chill or friendly like before with her anymore, no matter how hard I tried. It would be better for me and better for us, no matter how I looked at it. 

But what happened to these best friends determined to get married? They broke up while they were in undergrad, I’m not sure why. Both brother and sister BFFs got together with other people in the MSA. One of these new spin-off couples dated openly, even around the MSA and at MSA events (I have a lot of feelings about that, but at least they weren’t totally hypocritical like the rest of the secret MSA couples). Interestingly both these new couples got married in the end. Looking at some wedding pictures, I was thinking to myself…isn’t it weird for the groom to be hugging his wife’s ex-boyfriend at his own wedding? Their problem, not mine.

 – Giving It Up And Getting Ghosted

Apparently, this is a story that played on repeat while I was in the MSA. A brother and sister become involved. It starts out as an emotional attachment. The brother reassures the sister they will get married as soon as he graduates from undergrad or gets into medical school. In the meantime, the relationship starts getting physical. The brother gradually begins to pressure the sister to have intercourse with him as they move further and further along. She’s caught feelings for this brother and believes they will get married soon enough. They finally have sex and continue to for some period of time and then he dumps her. Although both parties consent to some degree, the sister would not have gotten there without proper encouragement from the brother. 

This situation was common enough that the sophomore sisters in the MSA had an infamous meeting with the freshman girls and warned them against letting a brother talk them into giving it up on the pretense of getting married. There was a divorced sister in our MSA who also mentioned to me that multiple girls confided in her that they were in sexually active relationships with brothers in the MSA without having a clue how to prevent pregnancies or safeguard against STDs. She was the one who advised them to start taking birth control pills and insisted on using condoms every time. She also told me that these brothers and sisters ranged from the ones who came around the MSA occasionally to the ones who led prayers and were memorizing the Quran. She also told me of masjid parking lot hook-ups in cars. Needless to say, I was in tears when she told me all of these stories. 

The only advice I can give someone about a situation like this is to avoid getting into a relationship until you and your family are ready for you to be married. Some Muslim couples can box their covert relationships into an emotional plane and remain there until marriage. However, others cannot–at no fault to them. It is only natural for emotional feelings to be expressed in physical ways. Shaytan is always the third party when a man and woman, or any mutually attracted parties, are alone together. It is difficult to control and stifle strong feelings, so don’t put yourself in a testing position. If someone is promising you they will marry you, then save yourself until marriage. If you truly care about the other person, you should also care about their hereafter.

Courtship Stories From The MSA: When It Went Right!

 – Going Directly To Her Dad

After I got married, I moved to a small college town with a tight-knit, very active Muslim community. There, one of my husband’s friends had approached him one night to ask him about a sister he had noticed at the masjid. My husband and this sister had worked together for the masjid’s Sunday school. Knowing that, this brother wanted my husband’s opinion of her. Within the next week, he had decided to move forward with a proposal of interest and he asked to meet the sister’s father. Bam! Engaged in a week! Look at that, mashaAllah. She was in undergrad at the time and he was in graduate school. They had a nikkah period and then had a bigger wedding later when they moved in together. Later on, this friend told me what a sensation it caused in her family for this young man to be so direct and ask for her hand. Mad props to that brother for diving in headfirst! 

 – A Missed Opportunity…Or A Match Destined in Heaven?

PC: Photos by Lanty (unsplash)

One of my good friends in undergrad was determined to be a matchmaker. Poor soul. She had shipped one of our friends and a brother in the MSA and was determined to get them married. She approached a local imam and asked him to inquire about the brother on our friend’s behalf without telling our friend first. This brother was not ready to get married–he knew he wanted to go to graduate school and that his finances wouldn’t allow him to take on the responsibility of having a wife in the picture. So he politely declined, telling the imam he wouldn’t be ready for a few years due to his finances while he was pursuing his career after graduating. 

When my friend found out about the Shakespearean plot they undertook behind her back, she was mad. It created an uncomfortable dynamic between the brother and my friend–the brother thinking that my friend was interested in him and then believing he had rejected her. 

Years later, my friend is at a family party and she meets a woman she totally loves. It turns out the feeling is mutual. This woman calls my friend’s aunt telling her that she’s looking for her nephew to get married and she thinks my friend and him would be a great match. Guess who it turned out to be? You’re sitting at your computer screen yelling, NO WAY! Yes. Yes way. It turned out to be this brother from the MSA that our friends had tried to set my friend up with years ago. It took a lot for my friend to come around after resenting the scheme that caused her so much embarrassment, but they got married in the end! They are such a good match for each other! I hadn’t heard about this whole drama in undergrad, but my friend spilled the tea when she called me to tell me she was engaged to this brother. 

So many times we think that if we don’t act now while we’re both in college, that person will slip through our fingers. But that’s not necessarily true. When Allah has written for two people to be together, they will find each other in the end. Look at the years of a haram relationship they were saved from because the brother was simply mature enough to say, “This isn’t a responsibility I can manage for the next few years.” Masha’Allah. I love their whole story.

 – Getting Matched By A Community Member

Another good story coming out of my MSA was when a community member involved with the MSA matched two graduating seniors. The story goes that she thought they would be a great match, so she facilitated connecting them and their families to each other. I was so happy to hear that their story was such an innocent and beautiful one, because back then finding out people I respected were in haram MSA relationships really messed with my head.

 – Going Through A Shaykh

Remember that brother with a racist family who got a shaykh involved and then the sister was left heartbroken? Well, this same shaykh was approached by another brother in the MSA. He wanted to send a proposal to a sister in the MSA and so the shaykh facilitated it. Their families were connected and the brother and sister ended up getting married, alhamdulillah. The brother at the time was in graduate school and the sister was still in undergrad. This sister told me that her family was not even considering marriage for her and getting married would complicate how her college tuition would get paid for. There were some logistical hurdles they had to clear, but they figured them out. Even when a family may be hesitant for a child to get married due to how young they are or the fact that they still have to finish up college, coming honorably with a respected community leader can make a huge difference. Also, this brother is a very good guy and her father knew he would be foolish to stand in the way of a very good future for his daughter. Such a good ending!

Courtship Stories From The MSA: Somewhere In The Middle

 – They Ended Up Married In The End…What’s The Big Deal?

Another woman I know wriggled her way into a relationship with a brother very early on in college. One of the individuals was in a very difficult position with their family, and so the move towards marriage took at least a few years. In the meantime, this couple had their haram relationship going–hanging on to the idea they’d get married one day. Things eventually worked out between the two of them and they got married! How exciting and what a relief, right? 

Well, their transition from an emotional relationship (mostly online) into a real-world relationship sharing the same space was not easy. This person mentioned being physically intimate was very difficult for them and after months of being married they still hadn’t managed to consummate the marriage. I’m not sure what compounding factors were making this aspect of their marriage so difficult, but maybe they were dealing with a lot of baggage from their years of enforcing the “halal gap” and had trouble bridging that gap after marriage. 

I know of another situation similar to that. This marriage ended due to a disconnect once the individuals finally got married. This couple had been secretly dating since high school, mostly contacting each other over the phone and messaging online. They finally got married after graduating from college. Having been together for almost a decade in a haram, mostly online relationship, these individuals had incredible difficulty with physical intimacy in addition to other defects in character they didn’t have a chance to uncover until after marriage. This one, sadly, ended in divorce.

There is a reason Islam has an “all-or-nothing” approach to romantic relationships. It’s unnatural to separate emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. Many times Muslims will be like celibate best friends when they’re in relationships they know they shouldn’t be in. Maybe there’s something that makes it incredibly difficult to turn off the guilt and reconnect all the layers of intimacy together once they finally get married.

 – Long Engagement And A Baby Soon After Marriage

Another couple from an academic program I was in has a story somewhere in the middle of a success and horror story because they were in an extended courtship that lasted for years before they married. Right after the program, a brother approaches a sister’s aunt to confide in her that he is interested in her niece for marriage and would like to speak to her to see if they are compatible. The aunt knows that the sister’s mother does not want her daughter to get married. Nevertheless, the aunt tells the brother to approach the sister and begin talking for marriage. The aunt gives them a period of time to get to know each other and decide to get married. The brother wasn’t on the sister’s radar at all, and so the sister wants to take her time. They end up talking to determine whether or not they want to get married for three years! Both had finished undergrad before they started speaking.

No doubt during these three years of determining their mutual compatibility, they’ve grown to become celibate boyfriend and girlfriend. In the meantime, the aunt has been slowly trying to get the mother to warm up to the idea that her daughter is ready for marriage. Sadly, the brother had not approached his family, either, and they did not consent to him getting married until after he finished graduate school. Eventually, both families agreed to let the two get engaged. A local imam had tried multiple times to reason with the families and allow the couple to have their nikkah at the engagement party so that they could operate their long-distance emotional relationship within halal boundaries. But no. Their engagement was also excruciatingly long and lasted for a few years. They finally got married after seven years, alhamdulillah. On the eve of their wedding, I was texting back and forth with the bride and she told me, “It’s been so long. I just want to finally give him a hug.” Shortly after their wedding, they had unexpectedly conceived their first child and were not thrilled about the timing. After being forced to wait so long to get married, they wanted some time to themselves before starting a family. This was the most heartbreaking moment for me to experience in their relationship. 

The mistakes here are many. The first is that the brother did not consult with his family before approaching the sister. The second is that the person he entrusted, the sister’s aunt, was not a worthy mediator who could take up the role of third-party messenger responsibly. The positives here are many. The brother approached a family member of the sister he was interested in. The couple began to talk about marriage as the intention out in the open, although there wasn’t enough oversight from a chaperone to help keep this period reasonably short. The couple got a local imam that both families knew and liked involved to help advocate on their behalf for a speedy marriage. The couple resisted physical temptations until they were married and didn’t have an issue moving to the physical after marriage. This situation is a mixed bag of good and bad and a great example to learn from. 

Final Thoughts

Navigating the marriage and courtship process can be overwhelming and confusing, so make sure you have a couple of trusted mentors to rely on to help guide you. Whatever the outcome may be with this particular MSA prospective, I pray you find your destined life partner sooner, rather than later. Most importantly, I wish you happiness with your spouse in this life and the next!

Related:

– 3 Steps To Safely Prepare For Your Halal Marriage – As Simple As ABC

– Podcast: Sex, Marriage, and Mutual Obligations in Islam | Ustadh Mukhtar Ba

The post Courtship Stories From The MSA: You Found “The One” In Your MSA [Part 5] appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.

Disclaimer: This episode is not discussing abusive relationships. For anyone experiencing domestic abuse or intimate partner violence, please seek out the appropriate resources.

In this episode of the Happily Ever After mini-series, Zainab bint Younus asks marriage coach Megan Wyatt some big questions – with all the toxic discourse around marriage and relationships, are Muslim marriages doomed? Or do Muslim couples go through the same challenges as everyone else? And even more importantly… what are Muslim husbands and wives doing RIGHT in their marriages?

Tune into this episode for a holistic discussion on solutions and problems in the Muslim marriage discussion!

Megan Wyatt is a speaker, trainer, author, and personal development and relationship coach. She is perhaps best known for her website “Wives of Jannah,” which supports Muslim wives and couples in strengthening their marriages while building a bridge between our Islamic frameworks and modern developments in the field of personal development and relationship and marriage support.

Related:

[Podcast] Happily Ever After (Ep. 1) | How to Find Your Match Made In Jannah

Podcast | Happily Ever After (Ep 2) – What Are The Limits Of Wifely Obedience?

The post [Podcast] Happily Ever After (Ep 3) | Are Muslim Marriages Doomed? appeared first on MuslimMatters.org.